March 21 | April 19
You’re chiller than usual right now, which is working for you. Stay calmin a crisis instead of being reckless. Remember: safety in numbers. If you’re gonna summon anything, do it with a friend.
April 20 | May 20
You’re finally starting to settle into SpookySzn. It’s time to face your deepest fears, like demonic possession, or never finding someone to share true intimacy with! Hooray!
May 21 | June 20
Mercury is in retrograde, so you may bein a funk. Try to explain exactly what you’re feeling—discomfort, frustration, pain, the fear of existence, sheer terror, nothing at all…
June 21 | July 22
The recent shift into Scorpio season has you feeling introverted. Take a day to unwind in your room. It’s safer there, anyway. The walls do a decent job of blocking out the screams.
July 23 | August 22
Talk to people about their interests. Have they watched Fleabag? You have. Your tastes are superior. You are so cool. Soon, everyone will be like you. So cool. So unbearably cool.
August 23 | September 22
Try yoga to shed stress. Take deep breaths during the guided meditation. Your limbs are filled with sand. There’s honey running up your body. And bees too now. So honey was a bad idea.
September 23 | October 22
You’re doing alright, but your emotions are out of whack. Did you know that there are little goblins in your brain who are eating your serotonin? Not really, but it’s nice to have someone to blame.
October 23 | November 21
You can’t just say “I’m realizing things” and then refuse to tell anybody what those things are. Try to open up more. No, wait, not like that. Let’s get you sewn up.
November 22 | December 21
Go on a nature walk. Ignore anything that’s out of place. It’s lovely out. It’s better not to explore things you can’t understand. Venture only as far as you are willing, and barely that far.
December 22 | January 19
You’re feeling lucky this week. Take a risk: Buy a different cereal brand. Tell your “platonic” business partner that you have “feelings” for them. Get on a government watchlist. Hide the body.
January 20 | February 18
Avoid STEM majors this week. They know too much about the universe to be on your side. If you see one, back away slowly; make sure there are witnesses around. If not, who knows what they’ll do.
February 19 | March 20
It’s finally Hozier season! What’s sweeter than confessing your love to someone you just met and decomposing in the woods with them? It’s gross, too, but that’s just how love is sometimes.
