Misc hierarchy revealed; Humor Editor stoned to death

Dear readers, as October break fades away with the leaves, and as school begins to kick back up, I bring forth great news: I was voted the Humor Editor for the Miscellany! Fuck yes!

I know you’re probably thinking, “Literally no one cares dude, nobody reads this section sober anyway.” And to that, I say, “Sorry, I couldn’t hear what you said over the sound of patting myself on the back and chugging a glass of champagne, but I am sure it was all great and thank you for your kind words.” However, I don’t bring you this solid humble brag just to brag humbly, but also I believe this long-overdue promotion suggests a great opportunity to explain to our faithful readers exactly how the Misc actually works.

Let’s take an inner look at how this sausage is made, and how the various positions make this beautiful obsolete format we call “news” function.

The Miscellany is over a century old, and as is the case with any old white institution, it is shrouded in mystery (and usually Rockefeller money. Not this time, I hope?). So as a service to my Vassar community, and in an attempt to drag the newspaper staff whose company I enjoy so much, I will be breaking down many positions that comprise every cog in the paper wheel.

Disclaimer: I won’t be talking about sections, simply positions. Any similarities to any actual people in any positions is purely coincidental. Or maybe it isn’t and I am calling you out. You know who you are. Throw hands. Anywho! Let’s jump right in—in no particular order.

Editors: These people are the workhorses of the Misc. They work night and day to ensure all their information is correct and then properly formatted on their section pages. Granted, the Senior Editors and Copy Staffers handle most of the grammar, then design ensures it is on the page properly and then the Editor-In-Chief looks it over and makes sure it is all up to standard. But the editors do stuff too! We often talk about how much stuff we have to do. Cause it’s a lot. I swear.

Assistant Editors: They are all biding their time for when the editor messes up so they may replace them. They want the glory of that editor tag and the assistant prefacing it simply mocks them with its presence. Watch out editors—they are coming for us.

Copy Staffers: They are the machines that keep all the grammar and spelling tidy and clean at The Miscellany News. They must read every story and ensure that it’s legible, leading them to often ask themselves how any of us managed to pass a first-year writing seminar. You may think they get some sick joy out of telling people they are wrong and insisting that writer’s sentences lack punctuation…you’re right.

Photographers: Misc photographers all have Instagram pages that feature pictures of random dogs. It is a truly wholesome community of camera people who capture terrible pictures of you when you least expect it, and just to spite you.

Social Media Editor: Frankly the smartest person walking the campus at any point in time is the Social Media Editor. The brains required to convince an entire organization to let you browse Instagram and Facebook at any given point for “research” and then get a position on that basis? 300 IQ level play.

Senior Editors: Okay technically we have two but I am not so sure. They are only ever seen together and speak solely in rhyming riddles. One head only tells lies and the other one only speaks the truth. Their existence is so the Editor-in-Chief does not grow too powerful and lay waste to our human domain.

Editor-in-Chief: The head honcho of the paper! They hold all the cards! But not really. They have to show everyone the cards and cannot play said cards without approval of everyone else. They also lack any semblance of a social life. They slowly have become one with the Misc office at this point. Basically J. Jonah Jameson if, instead of pictures of Spiderman, he demanded three goddamn minutes of free time.

Contributing Editors: Geniuses. The people who looked at how much time commitment being a Senior Editor or Editor-in-Chief were and said “Fuck that, I will take a position that sounds just as good and requires none of the work. K thx bby.”

That’s all for this behind the scenes look at the Misc—as I have apparently been fired? I can’t imagine why. Until next time. Or maybe not. And remember, next time you see a Misc staffer around campus, stay away from them; they are likely grumpy and need a nap.

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