Momus, Goddess of Satire, gives some spooky, fun-sized advice for Halloween

The Goddess Momus, now in full color, is here to brighten up the lives of students. Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Dear Mom,

I forgot this week is Halloween and I have no idea what to wear and Vassar students go hard on Halloweekend! What should I do? I need three different costumes all before this weekend.

Sincerely, Spooky Procrastinator

Dear Spooky,

I know you are probably guilt-ridden already, but what were you thinking? One does not simply “dress up” for Halloween at Vassar. Take the many drama majors that rehearse for months to embody their Halloween costumes. I guess I can help you, but do not expect to win the Big Night In Halloween contest.

For the first costume, I suggest you cut two arm holes in a trash bag, because that is what your costume is when you wait until the last minute for a Halloween costume: trash.

Then I guess you have to go the slutty route for your second costume. Be basic and buy yourself some nice undies and animal ears. Cady from “Mean Girls” best explained it when she said, “Halloween is the one day a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything else about it.” Whatever your gender, no one will judge you for looking slutty. Your real concern is about them judging you for going the basic route.

And finally, if you are going for a third costume, I suggest you pick up a black marker and write your last essay in its entirety on one of your perfect white shirts. I can tell from your poor planning that you are not exactly on top of your stuff, so I bet you procrastinated on your last assignment just like you procrastinated on the most important holiday of the year. Your stressed out, work avoidance vibes probably got sublimated into the text of that essay, so I think this costume will scare everyone on campus, even your poor professor who had to read the essay in the first place.

Best of luck. I hope you learned your lesson and start planning your Halloween costumes on the Monday before Halloweekend like the rest of us!

Sincerely, Mom,

who is totally not writing this an hour before I have to turn it into the Misc.

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