Horoscopes: Nov. 14

ARIES | March 21 | April 19

Try to be less confrontational this week. Write an essay about why you hate someone. If they still don’t take the hint, only then try leaving that dead bird in front of their door. Only then, though.

TAURUS | April 20| May 20

“The vibes are off” is not an excuse. When are the vibes not off? If you want the vibes on, just take a meditation class. They are literally free of charge.

GEMINI | May 21 | June 20

Mercury retrograde has you caught off guard. Communication is harder than usual. No one is laughing at your jokes! Maybe get better jokes. Find a new stand-up special to recycle material from.

CANCER | June 21| July 22

Emotions are running high right now. Did you try those Thai noodle bowls they had at the Retreat? They put raw green chiles in them with reckless abandon; it’s an excuse to cry in public.

LEO | July 23 | August 22

You’re feeling good! Pick up a new hobby. Have you tried bocce? Reclaim it from the old white men! It will be very empowering. Plus, the balls are heavy, in case you ever need a weapon.

VIRGO | August 23 | September 22

You don’t have to work so hard to make people like you all the time. And face it, you don’t even want everyone to like you. Some people are business majors. Not here, but somewhere. Be vigilant.

LIBRA | September 23 | October 22

Mercury retrograde means weird dreams! Are they prophecies? Probably not. Except for the one about the erotic tentacles. That one you should pay attention to.

SCORPIO | October 23 | November 21

Your professor probably doesn’t hate you, but just to be sure: Do they give you good feedback? How confused were they when you said you would “die for them”? Assess. Evaluate. Conclude.

November 22 | December 21

Be ready for luck in love! “Luck” meaning someone who validates your restlessness and makes you one (1) playlist before dropping you. But isn’t love really about the journey, not the destination?

December 22 | January 19

Friends are more emotional than usual recently, so try to acknowledge your own feelings. Familiar? Things happen, and your brain releases chemicals to make emotions? We’ll try again next week.

January 20 | February 18

Go to a party! Flaunt your art piece of a personality by displaying all of the socially acceptable quirks that will make the A24 girls like you! Yes, you like Sufjan Stevens! Making friends is easy!

PISCES | February 19 | March 20

I’ll keep this short: You literally won’t know if your crush likes you unless you talk to them. With your mouth, using words. “Knowing glances” isn’t a UN-recognized language yet.

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