Horoscopes: Nov. 21

ARIES | March 21 | April 19

I’m going to be blunt Aries. You need to focus. Thanksgiving is in a week, and you have yet to practice for all the political arguments you’re going to have. Do not let your racist Uncle Jimmy win again.

TAURUS | April 20| May 20

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. What do you mean you have to? You’re a horse dentist? Oh. Well I guess just don’t look into any other orifices then.

GEMINI | May 21 | June 20

Gonna keep it real with you, Gemi: The world is out to get you this week. Well, not the whole world—only the moths. They feel you’ve wronged them. You’re screwed.

CANCER | June 21| July 22

Give yourself time. A crisis doesn’t get resolved rushing out to fix it. Take a deep breath and maybe a nap. Your room will likely still be on fire when you get up.

LEO | July 23 | August 22

You are not sure how to give good advice. The cliche phrases are great, but saying “blood is thicker than water” to a shark attack victim isn’t advice. More like a morbid science fact, really.

VIRGO | August 23 | September 22

“Up” is absolutely an amazing movie and you should feel free to take a few lessons from it. Explore the world and live your life freely. Don’t run away to South America and try to kill a chubby boy-scout.

LIBRA | September 23 | October 22

I’m not one to say it but you’re doing great Libra. You’ve been exercising, eating well and it’s been weeks since you ranted about how good “Fleabag” is.

SCORPIO | October 23 | November 21

Never allow your dreams to stay dreams. You dreamt your room was haunted? Buy a ouija board, ring up demons and call them idiots. Make sweet love to the devil himself. Live your best life.

SAGITTARIUS
November 22 | December 21

Gonna go out this week? Good; it’s always wise to stop playing RPGs and go outside. But, stop complaining about bad graphics outside, you just need glasses.

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

Let yourself enjoy the wonders of life. Pet that dog you see around campus, smell the pine around Vassar, sneak in and release all the whales from SeaWorld. #blackfish

AQUARIUS
January 20 | February 18

You are right to gift yourself some Amazon wishlist items. You deserve it. Oh god, you accidentally ordered it without logging out of your mom’s account. Wait, why did your vibrator say “buy again?”

PISCES | February 19 | March 20

Down to business like always, Pisces. The only advice I can give you is in the first word of every horoscope.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *