Momus, Goddess of Satire, struggles to stay awake whilst granting wisdom

The Goddess Momus, now in full color, is here to brighten up the lives of students. Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Dear Momus,

I just realized that I’m boring. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Boring Lory

Hi Boring Lory,

People’s opinions of others tend to be subjective, which makes me wonder if you are exaggerating when you say you’re really boring. For starters, a lot of people thought that “Boyhood” was a really great movie, but my grandfather thought it was the most boring movie ever created. He even fell asleep on our recliner. We didn’t bother to wake him up after the movie ended.

What I am trying to say is that you might not be boring to everyone, but, in case you are indeed finding that people begin to snooze off at the sound of your voice, I suggest you do the following:

Begin speaking in a really bad British accent. I know this actual British guy that gets a lot of attention for his accent. It might be that he also has a ginger beard and kinda looks like a tall leprechaun, but maybe you can take a page from his book. Start by calling everyone “lad” and insert the word “cheerio” every so often.

Another option is to stop speaking altogether. People will not think you are boring if they cannot even form an opinion about your character. Wear stripes.

Or you can only sing while speaking. If you just sing everything you can make your life a living musical. I don’t know if you’ve seen the most recent film production of “Les Miserables”, but they sing everything—even when they just need to ask a simple question—and that movie was nominated for an Oscar. I mean, that clearly means that the movie was not boring (for some people). I suggest articulating the end of each sentence with a long, high note!

Another option is to learn how to speak different languages and use them all at the same time. What I mean is, alternate words from disparate languages in one sentence. People might not understand you right away, but they will have to focus on you for a while so they can figure out what you’re saying. I guarantee they won’t be sleeping then!

Maybe you can make a career out of your boringness. People, including people on this campus, suffer from insomnia and need an alternative to melatonin gummies. The time is now to be of assistance: Just start up a conversation with them and help them doze off! If you are that boring, maybe you can even make money out of it! But as this as my idea I expect five percent of your earnings.

I hope all of my great suggestions help. Let me know if any of these work out!

Sincerely,

Mom

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