Horoscopes: Dec. 5

ARIES | March 21 | April 19

Intuition is high! Cut off toxic people without remorse. Be smart about it, though. I see you trying to block Colleen Mallet’s email, but that won’t solve anything. Don’t shoot the messenger. 

TAURUS | April 20| May 20

Not to get too NSFW here, but Mars is in Scorpio, and you need to calm down. You’re the most sensuous sign, but that doesn’t give you permission to act Like That at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday. 

GEMINI | May 21 | June 20

You couldn’t resist a healthy battle of wits at Thanksgiving dinner, could you? How does it feel, huh? Knowing you’ve won once again? Actually, I bet it makes you feel great. Congrats. 

CANCER | June 21| July 22

Everything is a prophecy this week. Take note of every single event. Don’t put your crystal ball by a window, though. It will burn your room down. Physics and stuff. 

LEO | July 23 | August 22

Get ready to start manifesting! If you can believe it, you can achieve it! Get those grades up and make that money! And don’t respond to those weird sugar daddy bots on Instagram. It isn’t worth it. 

VIRGO | August 23 | September 22

Venus is in Capricorn––time to start repressing your emotions again! Stock up on Uno Reverse cards to use on people who ask how you are. It’ll scare them so much they’ll forget you haven’t answered. 

LIBRA | September 23 | October 22

Practice self-care this week! By that I mean see a damn therapist. Take advantage of Metcalf’s location before it moves to the field house forever. 

SCORPIO | October 23 | November 21

You were due some rest over the break! Now that you got it, take time to focus on what you really want––like revisiting old obsessions to get some serotonin. Confuse Spotify’s algorithm! 

November 22 | December 21

You’re looking for new adventures. Plan a road trip, then ask everyone to drop everything and go with you. They’ll say no, but at least you’ll be validated in your uniqueness. 

December 22 | January 19

Saturn is telling you to reevaluate some important life decisions. How do you feel about your major? Your friends? Your dream job? Yourself? It’s not too late to start over. Move to Siberia! 

January 20 | February 18

Life is tough, but so are you! Your brain can get you out of any situation, especially now. Remember that the faster you move, the faster you fall into the quicksand. Also, don’t fall into quicksand. 

PISCES | February 19 | March 20

Mercury’s out of retrograde; you feel like yourself again! Who are you, you ask? I don’t know! Where’s the list of your personality traits you made so you wouldn’t forget? You lost it again? Yikes! 

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