Momus, Goddess of the House of Satire, Breaker of Chains, Destroyer of Friendships

Momus, the Goddess of Satire. She watches gracefully from the heavens, and only descends to our realm when a poor student requires sarcastic remarks and bad advice.

Dear Momus,

My friends are nice, but they’re actually really lame. How do I have a social life that isn’t awful?

Sincerely,

Bored but not alone


Dear Bored,

I think it is easy to get caught in the Vassar cult-like cliques seeing that practically everyone is in one. The very nature of fellow groups and student organizations creates an environment in which we are only exposed to our preexisting cliques. It may seem like we find friends elsewhere, but I would argue that that is not true. You can always branch out.

This may be cliche advice, but you should join a student org or, better yet, make a new org. The key here is to find a cause that people will get behind, like Vassar ghost hunting. Of course, everyone knows that the true paranormal activity on this campus comes from the English major souls which reside within the squirrels. It is getting kinda chilly outside, so it might be a good idea to hold off on bothering them until their hibernation ends next semester! Or if you really want to make a great cult, I think you should form one under my name. I like the idea of people worshipping me and my humor. I expect a statue of me to be placed in front of the library by the end of next year, so chop-chop. Get on it.

Although forging friendships with more entertaining people is a good idea, I don’t think you have to necessarily hang out with your boring friends all the time anyway. In fact, I think you should never be friendly with anyone on this campus again. You can be polite to everyone, but never let anyone in your life. Of course, you’ll eventually have to move to the Old Bookstore in the College Center to avoid extended human interaction. You will adopt the ways of the bats and you will have this urge to interact with society, but only as a masked superhero. I suggest you find yourself a butler to scrounge up some food for you so you don’t have to go to the Deece, either.

Then again, you can always spice things up within your existing friend group by starting a huge argument on the order in which you put on your socks and shoes— whether it’s sock, shoe, sock, shoe or sock, sock, shoe, shoe. Best case scenario, you will find that you and your friends share core values and they will feel more comfortable knowing you don’t leave one foot completely bare while the other is completely covered, like a madman. Worst case scenario, your entire group splits and now everyone is forced to find their own people! I wish you the best of luck. Remember: There is a right answer.

Sincerely,

Mom

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