Horoscopes: Jan. 30

ARIES | March 21 | April 19

Switch up your wardrobe. Try a new fabric or silhouette that you aren’t used to! You will no doubt receive many compliments. And if all else fails, well, Vassar is technically clothing-optional.

TAURUS | April 20| May 20

First week back got you in a slump? Set a nap schedule! For example, you could sleep in healthy, 24-hour chunks. A guaranteed mood booster!

GEMINI | May 21 | June 20

Relish in your steadfast social abilities as Mercury spends its last days in Aquarius. Just remember, and I mean this with all the love in my heart: It’s okay to shut up sometimes. Really 

CANCER | June 21| July 22

New year, new you! It’s a good time to deepen friendships. Don’t your dog and counting it as social interaction. You are worrying your parents.

LEO | July 23 | August 22

If you’re feeling antsy, just remember that you’re never truly trapped. Unless you are actually physically trapped somewhere, which would be bad and definitely has nothing to do with me.

VIRGO | August 23 | September 22

Astronomer Tycho Brahe died of a bladder infection because he was too polite to excuse himself from the table to pee. It’s the same with emotions: They will make your bladder explode.

LIBRA | September 23 | October 22

Nobody should shame you for wanting alone time. Unless, of course, you are violently pushing people away. With a stick. That is sharp. And pointy. And dipped in poison.

SCORPIO | October 23 | November 21

Find a new hobby this week, like coming up with excuses about how you “didn’t see their text” and “just forgot to respond” because you were “so tired.” 

SAGITTARIUS
November 22 | December 21

Don’t be surprised if you feel angrier than usual. Punch a pillow! Mad at someone specific? Hire a hitman! But don’t forget that your nemesis is just a crush you’re mad about having.

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

Work on fulfilling your 2020 goals and resolutions! Put yourself first, always. Always. Cut the line at the Deece. They don’t need food like you do. You are important. You.

AQUARIUS
January 20 | February 18

A moon phase website told me you should not get surgery right now. This information scared me enough that I felt it was important for you to know. Good luck.

PISCES | February 19 | March 20

Venus is currently in your sign, so gushy feelings abound! Show that special someone what they mean to you with flowers, or homework help, or a tarot reading or a psychoanalysis. Whatever.

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