Momus, Goddess of satire, kindly gives us lowly mortals a glance into her perfection

Perfection comes in many forms and many shapes. Though none of them are as perfect and as shaped as the one pictured above. Wise choice, Momus. Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

Dear Momus,

How do I love myself
Sincerely, Not-Hopelessly Devoted to Me

Dear Not Devoted to You,
I really hesitate to answer this question. I, as a goddess, don’t exactly share your terrestrial worries. I am perfect the way I am and see no reason why not to love myself, but I do have days when this is not so true. Don’t get me started on the day I visited my first Target. I went to go see the dollar items they have at the entrance, and when I was ready to check out, I saw myself in that godawful camera they have at the self-checkout. No one—not even someone as perfect as myself—can look good in those cameras. It’s like they are made to guilt you into participating in capitalism by showing you exactly how dark your under eyes can get. My point is, I get you. I want to help you not feel like the version of yourself that Target shows you.

The best way to start loving yourself is to remind yourself that you are a good human. Just strip down to your undies and start covering yourself in sticky notes covered with positive affirmations. The neater your handwriting, the better your body will absorb the self-love, so remember to take your time. My theory is that literally surrounding yourself with positivity will suddenly make you feel better. For best results, do this two to three times a week.

My second suggestion is to tell everyone you know that they are great, and eventually that positive energy will come right back to you. Simply scream at the top of your lungs, “You are beautiful and I love you!” at friends, family and unsuspecting passersby. Remember, you get the energy you put out there, so always put out good energy, even though it might make people uncomfortable for a second.

If all fails, just watch the vine of the “chicken-nugget boy” and follow by example. Even though you might look and feel crusty, like a burnt chicken nugget, you should always love yourself. The truth is, we are all a bunch of burnt chicken nuggets who don’t really know what we’re doing, so do not worry. Eventually, if you’re lucky, you will grow really old and your concerns will shift toward maintaining a healthy digestive system, not your looks. I think that is why adults always say that it is the inside that counts. So make sure to eat enough fiber and ignore those stupid Target self-checkout cameras!

Perfect in (practically) every way,

Momus

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