(W)HOR(E)OSCOPES

ARIES
March 21 | April 19

Both Mars and the moon are giving you lots of confidence this week, so use it wisely. Maybe ask someone out or look for a job. Try shoplifting! (WE DO NOT CONDONE THIEVERY.)

TAURUS
April 20 | May 20

Existing under capitalism is terrible, but you won’t take down the system by spending more money. Go on an adventure this week— one that isn’t to Target, maybe?

GEMINI
May 21 | June 20

Beware of falling hard and fast as Venus enters Aries…by which I mean, yes, beware of a newfound crush, but look out in case anybody wants to push you off of a high ledge.

CANCER
June 21 | July 22

Keep an eye out for career opportunities. New experiences are scary, but you won’t know if you don’t try! Start small, like being assertive in your email etiquette. Terrifying!

LEO
July 23 | August 22

Enjoy your capacity for social connection this week. Charm will help in any situation. Will this be the time you finally get closure with that special someone? No, but it’s nice to be optimistic.

VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

Now is a great time to recharge and start again. Check things off your to-do list, and if you run out, here are some ideas: Make tea. Sleep, a lot. Talk to no one. Go crazy a bit. Spicy!

LIBRA
September 23 | October 22

What if I wrote like “Cosmopolitan” horoscopes? “Babe, your week is going to be wild with lots of…you know ;) We are activists even though our CEO is worth $11B ;)”

SCORPIO
October 23 | November 21

I did a tarot card generator for you and got the 10 of Wands, which corresponds to work and responsibility. Take responsibility for yourself, just like Tyra said. Tyra is never wrong.

SAGITTARIUS
November 22 | December 21

Energy and spirits are high this week! Host a dance party and rock out. Show off your indie music that is definitely not just Brockhampton and Rex Orange County.

CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

You might be feeling behind the times, so take time to Urban Dictionary all of those terms you hear people using. By the end of this week, you’ll be a pro. And that’s on a period, or whatever.

AQUARIUS
January 20 | February 18

Let people know how you’re feeling this week, but be sure to keep your distance as well. Physically, that is—we’re in the heart of flu season!!! Cover your mouth when you sneeze.

PISCES
February 19 | March 20

You’re feeling the V-Day vibes, so get yourself some cheap chocolate and go ham! Relationships end, but chocolate is forever. Though I guess not when you eat it. Chocolate is for until you eat it.

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