Vassar College, a cultural melting pot of mostly white kids. The school prides itself on appearing inclusive to folks of all races, genders, sexual orientations and even dietary restrictions. However, things may not be as rosy as they appear to be in the suspiciously multiethnic brochure. This week, I tracked down Colby Beef ’21, who in turn was tracking down some deer near Sunset Lake. As I passed his pimped out and muddied up Ford F-150, which had been left running near the woodline, I witnessed him spit out his chewing tobacco and gesture at me to be quiet. He pointed to a deer, which was close to a makeshift rope trap. The deer stepped over the trap and walked away.
His frustration was palpable as we walked back to his truck. He then noticed a “Go Vegan” sticker on his truck, and yelled “Dammit, not again!” as he ripped it off.
This was a normal day for Beef, who is Vassar’s only carnivorous student. A junior who made the meat switch late last year after watching a variety of health food documentaries, Beef has decided that he isn’t going to listen to “facts” and “reason” because he isn’t a sheeple—he’d rather eat sheeple. That is, he would rather eat sheep; he doesn’t eat people. So he claims.
“Those documentaries are full of crap!” he ranted at me as we went out of our way to walk by Ferry House so he could flip it off. “Science proves that a meat-only diet is better for you. Like for example, look at a lion…I’d love to eat a lion.” At this point, Beef started drooling heavily, and I tried to direct his attention back to the interview.
“Look bro, humans have canine teeth. Which literally means we have to eat meat, all the time, for every meal, just like dogs or wolves. On all levels except physical we are the same!” I asked him about all the teeth in the human mouth that are not canines. He responded with a very alarming “I DON’T USE THEM,” and proceeded to show me a set of teeth that closely resembled broken tic-tacs.
Wanting to move on from the image of his mouth, which frankly reminded me of Stonehenge, I asked him why, other than the lack of a dental plan, he feels that Vassar culture is so against him.
“Because, broski, there is no representation. Firstly, the Deece is a joke when it comes to my diet. They have the nerve to display all those raw veggies and salad options, as if to insult me. And none of the nutritional information for meat includes the raw sexual energy that you get from eating meat!”
At my puzzled look from this comment, he said he had, in his parlance, “a Facebook group I should check out.”
Beef continued, “I get discriminated against all the time! I was told that I could not have a meat smoker in my room, to which the administration responded that the only variety of smoke appropriate for Vassar’s cultural values is pot smoke. Granted, I did light up a joint after that, so I was not too mad. But still, it’s the principle of the thing, dammit!”
Beef ventured further and further from the provided interview questions with escalating anger.
“The laundry rooms here suck, too. Vassar thinks they can skimp out on good washers just because I’m the only one always drenched in blood,” he commented.
“There was also that time that I got kicked out of biology for bringing my fork to fetal pig dissection day. It’s not like they were gonna use them after the class!”
The Beefster (he insisted I call him this) then delineated the various ways his on-campus presence is actually a benefit to Vassar. “Deer population is down, womp-womps are watching who they cross and when the bears come looking for the deer, I’mma get in on that!” he whispered as he smiled, a deep depraved smile. I thanked Colby for his time, but decided it was best to wrap it up, as I had spilled some ketchup on my hand from my lunch and he asked, “Are you gonna finish that?”