Momus, Goddess of Satire was really late to answering questions so Ivanna took over

Dear Momus,

I am naturally late to everything, but now that I am in my second semester (of my third year) I can no longer use the excuse that I didn’t know where a building was. What do I do?

Sincerely, Tardy Marty
P.S. Please don’t ask me to be on time.

Dear Tardy Marty,

Are you truly naturally late? Like, if you sent your DNA to some website will it tell you if you have the late gene? I just imagine people in white coats in a room somewhere being like, “Ah yes. He shows the common L8 phenotype. It can be a problem in his
college years.”

As a Mexican, I can tell you that L8 is common among my people, especially when it comes to parties. If you show up on time to a house party, you will still find the host in the shower. You know, my dad was the worst at this. He would literally show up to work one hour late even though he lived right above his office. All he had to do was go downstairs! I guess it worked because he was a doctor, and you really know a doctor is good if they are late. I mean, when have you seen a doctor be on time for an appointment?

I guess what I would tell you is to do what my dad did: Find a career where it is acceptable to be late. Everyone will just think you were busy saving a life or something when perhaps you are like my dad, who took three hours just to put his shoes on because the episode of “House of Cards” was getting good. So, if your professor tells you that you being late is “distracting the teaching process,” all you have to do is say, “I’m training to be a doctor.”

If you are a humanities major, however, I say you can still use the excuse that you don’t know where a building is. For instance, I as a history major have never had a class in Sanders Classroom, Sanders Physics, Vogelstein (CDF?), New England, Olmsted, the Old Observatory and pretty much every building that is not Swift. I am not kidding when I say that I got lost in the literal long hallway that is the Bridge Building. If your professors tease you about this, then show them this message. You are not the only one. If they wish to send me a compass and a map, I will gladly accept it!

Sincerely, Momus

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