March 21 | April 19
Now is the time I finally let you know my own sign: I’m a Cancer! Apparently Cancers and Aries are super incompatible (which is tbh very false but that’s what the magazines say). This is a threat.
April 20 | May 20
This week is about connection. Talk to people face to face as much as possible to avoid confusion. If you struggle to explain something in words, just scream. They’ll get it.
May 21 | June 20
What if I made a fun puzzle that you could only solve by reading these every week? I won’t (unless…), because I don’t have time for that, but please read these every week regardless.
June 21 | July 22
Eat lunch in a different place! You’ll meet cool people, like the same people you see every day no matter what you do or where you go or at what times you do things. This school is so damn small.
July 23 | August 22
School is hard! Remember to have fun, too. Have you picked your Founder’s Day outfit yet? Try the boba place further into town. Walk in the woods! I realize I’m just adding things to your list.
August 23 | September 22
Don’t be surprised if you end up in the middle of two warring friends. Who said what? You can’t remember. Make something up. Draw a graph with fake data to solve things. You are so helpful.
September 23 | October 22
Try to find a change in perspective and examine your spiritual health. Apparently different crystals have different properties, but my philosophy is just cool rock = serotonin. I hope you’ll agree.
October 23 | November 21
Sometimes we forget how to solve problems. Usually it goes: Isolate the issue, find solutions, pick the best one. Or, conversely, do none of that and find a dog to pet. I cannot choose for you.
November 22 | December 21
Focus on your feelings by making a playlist of sad songs. Or maybe a playlist of songs that make you angry. Listening to Keith Urban unlocks secret emotions. I don’t want them, but you might.
December 22 | January 19
Social media is a disease! Delete any pictures existing online that show your identity. Start a small business selling homemade beeswax goods, reachable only by landline or carrier pigeon.
January 20 | February 18
You might feel a capital-C Calling this week, but choose whether you want to save the world or yourself first (Spoiler alert: start with yourself. Leave the world-saving to Greta for now).
February 19 | March 20
Reign your imagination in. Splash cold water on your face whenever you’re daydreaming. Soon, you’ll instinctively flinch when you find yourself drifting off. Pavlov yourself! It’s the new therapy.