Republicans: fearless defenders of our great Constitution

I can sleep soundly at night knowing that the beautiful document that I love, the U.S. Constitution, is safe in the hands of our current leader. President Trump has done so much for me personally, from assuring me in the face of COVID-19 that I should “live with it” and that it will just “disappear” to his amazing tariffs that finally let my family qualify for his farmer bailout money. But the main reason I support him and the Republican Party is because of what they’re doing for our Constitution. His defense of our right to peaceably assemble is what lets me throw house parties where me and the boys hang out, pass around a pale lager, and watch Trump walk from the White House to a church. I don’t understand how such a beautiful display could fail to bring a tear to anybody’s eye.

Even when he’s not visible on TV, I know he’s still personally defending all of us. When he can’t be there in person, he’ll send out his lawyers to keep free expression safe and liberals on their toes. Just a few weeks ago, his campaign sent a cease-and-desist to CNN for a biased poll that was entirely out of tune with how I feel about the president. If CNN had taken the time to ask people like me, real Americans, how we feel about the president instead of asking the one million illegal voters in California, I’m sure they would have reached a real answer instead of one in line with other fake news media like the New York Times or the now-liberal Fox News.

Not only that, but his threat to sue Liddle’ Adam Schitt (D-CA) still makes me beam with pride. Just the words “Sue him anyway. He’s got immunity, but they can’t mean immunity for that,” make my membership in the Republican Party feel right. Never has a president stood up for himself by filing lawsuits that go nowhere and whose only purpose is to use the U.S. legal system to punish his enemies for saying things he doesn’t like. I can’t wait until he opens up libel laws so that way we can actually sue when someone calls us racist for just attending an all-white protest where we talk about how firing police officers who kill people will definitely make everyone less safe.

Trump’s not the only one defending the constitution—all his Republican allies have risen to the occasion. Devin Nunes (R-CA) is a personal hero to me. Who else would try to bankrupt a cow on Twitter because it was making fun of him? Nobody. This mockery will not stand. Do these people think they can really just say whatever they want, like there’s no limit on free expression? Making a parody Twitter account of a congressman’s cow is only a stone’s throw away from yelling fire in a crowded theater. The First Amendment must be protected from this kind of desecration, and Nunes is making us all proud. Sure, he, the ranking Republican and former chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, is unable to unmask who it is that is illegally impersonating his cow, but he’s a fighter, and he’s going to keep fighting.

Nor should we exclude the Republican women where we can find them, like Senator Kelly Loeffler. She’s a great defender of our Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms, and boy does she show it. She’d never let an unelected person in a position of power belittle or attack a group of people executing their Second Amendment right to open carry, and she’d defend us against Democrats who would say that we’re dangerous or a mob just because we decide to band together and show that we won’t let Big Government take advantage of us.

Let me just get started on Big Government and how it’s ruining my life. I can’t stand the way Twitter, YouTube and Facebook censor me and shadow ban my conservative allies. They think they’re so cool making a liberal safe space, but let me tell them: When Trump says that he’s gonna regulate you out of existence if you don’t let me and my friends play in your pool, he means it. Not like that time he said take the guns first, due process second, or the time that he said Russia, please get those emails, but more like the time he said he doesn’t kid or the time he said to slow down the testing. Trump is gonna make you let me in, because you are the new town square, like the mall or the really cool new McDonald’s in town. Just because I’m not paying taxes to support Twitter infrastructure doesn’t mean they get to kick me out like they’re some kind of private business.
Sure, we lost some fights along the way, like But-Gorsuch saying gay people have rights or some shit, or the time McCain let sick people stay insured, but overall things have been great. We’ve avoided COVIDs one through 18, the president is tweeting videos of people like me for the whole country to see and the unemployment rate is all the way back down to only slightly worse than the bottom of the Great Recession. Things are looking up for everybody.

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