Dr. G’s Love Advice: Kinky Zoom University edition

Juliette Pope/The Miscellany News

Dear Dr. G,

I’m trying to keep things interesting for my girlfriend and me, but with all the Vassar Together regulations (which I respect and follow), it’s so hard to *spice things up* in the bedroom. How can I keep the teleromance going? 

– Practicing Safe Six


Dear Safe Six,

Your plight is not a rare one in the modern age, especially since the start of quarantine. And I know that sometimes it may feel like romance is dead, especially when your love is just a face in a sea of Zoom participants, all just trying to make it through your 200-level sociology class. However, the Pandora’s Box of the Internet era has a new, yet hidden, gift: kinky digital sh*t. 

For starters, it sure was polite for Vassar to give us free premium subscriptions to Zoom, which enables you to record videos (in HD, if you have the camera for it), save them in the cloud and email to your lover at your leisure. You can also download just the audio, and make them just sorta guess what’s going on. Perhaps one day it’s a video of you eating your grab-and-go hummus wrap from the Deece deli station, and the next it’s your adventures with anal beads—if you’re pleased enough with your wrap, they might not even be able to tell the difference. Better yet, if you and your partner are feeling adventurous, you can elect to add another person to the mix. Or another two people. You can actually host up to 100 people in one Zoom call on the current Vassar membership. Don’t be afraid to experiment with Breakout Rooms, too ;). 

For many of us, Zoom University means many more free hours, which you may be filling with extra readings, research, independent projects or maybe even studying for some higher education entrance exam, like the GRE. I propose to you an activity that can perfectly merge these pastimes into one: writing vulgar fanfiction about yourself and your partner. Other writing is boring, and an ArchiveOfOurOwn.org account is free to make. With all these free minutes you could write a piece that rivals “My Immortal,” both in absurdity and spelling errors. After all, “Fifty Shades of Grey” is what happens when horny people write fanfiction about “Twilight.” Use this time to explore your alternate universes, buy the leather harness you’ve always wanted, and maybe even see how lucky you can get in Rocky 200 before your Math-126 professor arrives for the 9:30 lecture—the possibilities are limitless. 

Of course, sometimes even with all the smut, erotica and dirty videos in the world, it still doesn’t work out. I will take this as my cue to remind you that SeekingArrangements.com will give you a free premium account if you sign up using a .edu email address. So, happy hunting!

PS: In order to connect with my Generation Z readers, I want to add that you can record and download raunchy TikTok videos to send to your boo, but this seems kind of time consuming and it’s always so hard to pick the right audio…Maybe just send regular nudes, it’s not like you don’t all already have Snapchat anyways smh.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *