Horoscopes: September 17

March 21 | April 19

You feel caged in right now, but remember: That cursed amulet I gave you should get you out of any bind. Wait, you…you lost it? You lost the cursed amulet? OK, um…burn some sage and hope for the best.

April 20 | May 20

You might be having trouble sleeping or odd dreams. Learn dream symbolism––a swimming pool can be a stand-in for your emotions. Or maybe you just like to swim. Whatever. Freud sucks and I hate him.

May 21 | June 20

It’s never a bad time to understand the inherent value of simply listening—to your friends, a TED Talk, Gregorian chants, the far-superior and oft-overlooked Byzantine chants… whatever you feel is right.

June 21 | July 22

Do you ever think about old songs? Like, jazz standards and stuff? Where everyone was just like “I’ve never been more in love ever?” I don’t have advice; I’m just chatting. Those guys knew what was up. Why can’t we be like them?

July 23 | August 22

Why do you always want to be in a place other than where you are? Take a shower, and notice the shower. It’s gross? Consider it noticed! It’s scary? Consider that noticed, too. Maybe do this with a nature walk instead.

August 23 | September 22

September is a weird month because it doesn’t hide anything, though I guess that also makes it nice. If September were a person, I hope she’d be my friend. Make friends with new people this week, especially if they’re months.

September 23 | October 22

If you’re confident, others will be too. Remember why others gravitate to you—your exuberance! Your love of life! The super-strong electromagnet you keep in your pocket that throws off the Earth’s spin!

October 23 | November 21

Good things for this week: Skirts, molasses, cats, saying hi to your professors, ABBA. Not-so-good things for this week: flip-flops, rocket ships, cannibalism, silence, hydrocarbons, not listening to ABBA.

November 22 | December 21

Try to give out compliments recklessly. It improves your own self-esteem, too! Tell them you like their pants, or their music taste, or the…cursed amulet that you…stole from Aries? OK, not that. Please give that back.

December 22 | January 19

Look up fun facts and tell them to your friends unprompted. Some starting points: Learn obscure animal sounds (lynx, fox, manatee, etc). Or weird correlations (statistics prove storks might deliver babies after all).

January 20 | February 18

Have you ever thought about the fact that some letters are super underrated? Why does no one seem to care about W, huh? Like, where would journalism as an institution be without her? E and S have had their time in the spotlight.

February 19 | March 20

All of my best creative ideas come when I’m dog-tired. Try waking up really early and drawing a picture of a small animal. Give it a name and a kiss, and then release it into the world. You’d be surprised how fun it is.

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