Exclusive inside scoop: Vassar’s failed COVID solutions

Fellow students: As we head deeper into the school year, we are all probably starting to get a bit tired of social distancing and wearing a mask everywhere. Still, I am very happy with the results, as we currently have zero active cases on campus (don’t fuck it up). It’s safe to say that the implementation of mandatory mask-wearing, outdoor classrooms, no campus visitors and other methods taken by the administration has been an absolutely resounding success. But every solution is the product of a hundred failures, and as someone who has been at Vassar throughout the entirety of this pandemic, I feel it is my responsibility to whistle-blow the ideas that didn’t quite work. This will surely put a target on my back, as the Vassar shadow council wants to keep this a secret, so if you don’t hear from me after this article I have surely been ground up and turned into chocolate. Luckily enough, this treat will be available to you at President Bradley’s house.

Failed Idea #1: Mandatory mask usage for all members of Vassar.

I know what you’re thinking—this did get implemented, and it did work. Well, yes—but only for all humans on campus. Originally, the Vassar Vegans Group (or simply VEG for short) had the idea to put masks on all animals that traverse the campus. The Veggies (as they demand to be called) actually managed to catch and convince all deer to wear masks. Unfortunately, deer travel in mobs and refuse to social distance, so in the end this did not work. The Vegemites (junior members of the org) did speak to the squirrels, but the squirrels pointed out that since they only stand still or run, they are technically following guidelines by not wearing a mask. The members of VEG attempted to convince the squirrels to do their part by telling them stories about the pandemic, but the rodents just weren’t interested in their Veggietales. 

Failed Idea #2: Build a biodome around campus.

OK, so frankly I helped pitch this one. The original plan was to build a great glass structure around Vassar in order to keep out COVID, visitors and the elements. Though the school had the money and materials for this project (which have since been directed to the luxury hotel Vassar is building), it eventually had to be scrapped due to projections from the Physics Department that combined anxious screaming from all students dreading their situation would cause the glass to shatter. Oh, and also something about students not wanting to be imprisoned as if they were in jail or on a cruise ship.

Failed Idea #3: Hydroxychloroquine

No comment.

Failed Idea #4: Putting your fingers in your ears and ignoring the virus

Oh sorry, I have been told that this is actually something many Americans have in fact done.

Failed Idea #5: Students smear their hands in paint

This got proposed by mistake: the administration didn’t watch the videos put out on Moodle by the CCT or whatever, so they got confused and thought smearing hands in paint was an effective way to prevent COVID-19, not a demonstration of good handwashing technique.

Failed Idea #6: All students camp out on the Vassar quads

This one looked very promising; we had plenty of space and students were excited to be one with nature. However, it soon became clear that communing with the outdoors is not all that the Disney+ nature documentaries make it out to be. It’s cold outside. And sometimes rainy. But mostly, students had a hard time understanding why living in tents outside meant a raise in the Room and Board charge. The administration tried to explain that it was due to the landscaping fees and the fact that they had to pay the womp womps to relocate, but students weren’t buying it.

And finally, Failed Idea #7: No one returns to campus and we conduct all classes online this semester, so as to prevent any spread and any further danger until the countrywide numbers begin to dip.…

Wait, why didn’t we do this?

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