Horoscopes: September 24

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ARIES
March 21 | April 19

As it begins to get cold, make sure your fashion is in order. I am very powerful, and thus have the ability to decide the color of the season––it’s green. Make of that what you must.

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TAURUS
April 20 | May 20

A few weeks ago I ate Raisin Bran for dessert. But the only thing sadder than eating Raisin Bran for dessert is thinking back on it and getting down. This is a metaphor. I don’t know what for, though.

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GEMINI
May 21 | June 20

Remember reading for fun? Find a book that you enjoy and just sit down with it––it can be something you’ve already read, it can be short, it doesn’t matter. This one isn’t funny; I just think reading is neat.

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CANCER
June 21 | July 22

Stillness is not the same as stagnation. Take your time, or push forward if you need to. Someone will meet you along every step of your journey, and if you can’t find someone, I’ll do it. My number is—

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LEO
July 23 | August 22

Things are stressful, but material pleasures are rarely the answer. There are lots of other pleasures, like those emotional, or spiritual, or even physical. Just please adhere to social distancing if you choose that last one.

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VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

There’s no nice way to say this: Twitter is bad. It is! Make it your mission this week to find increasingly niche social media platforms. I personally like communicating through my public Spotify playlists. Whatever works for you.

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LIBRA
September 23 | October 22

What do you want? Say it, out loud. No, really. If you can’t do it right now, wait until you’re alone and say it. You aren’t going to die from it. In fact, if you don’t say it, the wanting might eat you alive.

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SCORPIO
October 23 | November 21

Too many good things exist for you to hide from them. Like, I can type the name of any small animal into YouTube and there will inevitably be a video of it being cute. Also penicillin.

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SAGITTARIUS
November 22 | December 21

Make an effort to learn about yourself, but don’t live life under a microscope. Learn the difference between what’s good and what isn’t; what’s quirky and idiosyncratic versus what’s just plain weird.

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CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

Take a risk. Just one. It doesn’t even have to be big. Wear a color you wouldn’t normally (Aries can tell you that green is always a good choice) or buy a different brand of something. No wrong answers.

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AQUARIUS
January 20 | February 18

Sometimes it’s easier to explain your feelings without words. Write a multi-act dream ballet to get your point across; that always does the trick for me. Don’t skimp on the props though. I’ve made that mistake before.

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PISCES
February 19 | March 20

No one deserves to be held at arm’s length by the people they love most. Vulnerability is not a crime; try telling your friends boring things about you that nobody else knows, like what you had for lunch.

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