Dr. G’s Love Advice: Housemate Sex, Pandemic Style

Dear Dr. G,

The Community Cares Team Guidelines on safe sex during quarantine suggest that I have sex with people I live with, but my TH has 5 people and I only want to f*ck one of them. How do I start having sex with one of them but keep it from turning into a full-blown orgy?

-Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck,

When selecting housemates, we often make the mistake of picking all the most “wifeable” friends from around campus to put under one roof (Wifeable: adj.- a term describing the hottest, funniest, most interesting, smartest, presentable and stable people you know. For further explanation, please see: any person employed as a Tour Guide by Vassar College). With the promise of good and interesting housemates, we accept the risk of wanting to f*ck them (and them wanting to f*ck each other). 

And so we are left with the age old question: How do I not f*ck all of them? Most of us are lucky, as housemates are not often sexually compatible. But some of us go from picky to horny pretty quickly, and your housemates may all be willing to try something new. And, let’s be realistic, you wanted to live with all of them so much you dealt with Rich Horowitz and Apartment Draw long enough to live with them, so at this point it’s natural to find them more than just a “good neighbor.” 

My first suggestion is a classic set-up for the “comedy of errors”-type semester we have all but agreed to at this point. Take your first roommate for example. Her name might be Lucy or Ella (because every other girl on this campus is named Lucy or Ella), and you might think she’s cute, and she might have the same feelings for you. I encourage you to follow your heart and your sex drive, hook up with her and afterwards express to her some anxiety that your fellow housemates will find out about your torrid love affair, causing her to swear to secrecy over the whole ordeal and any further indiscretions you may enjoy together. Now, simply repeat the previous steps for every single other housemate. No one would dare stir the pot by telling everyone of your forbidden sexual relationship, to the extent that you can get away with banging 4/4 housemates while no one suspects a thing. However, remember that beds still creak in every house, and that if you discover your “secret” lover has three other “secret lovers”, and they happen to be the rest of your housemates, you should think of it as some sort of karmic retribution. 

Your second option is less glamorous. In order to avoid the risk of sexual pandemonium altogether, it might be wise to avoid having sex with any of your housemates. Yes, LucyorElla may be putting on the moves hard, but we have all felt that gross feeling after a hookup where the sexual spirit leaves your body and reason returns, leading you to finally see clearly the mess you’re in. Perhaps this semester is just not the right time to connect with Vassar’s underground kink scene from the comfort of your common areas. After all, anyone who has been in quarantine can tell you that Health Services is under the impression that we wear masks in our living rooms and kitchens; we don’t want them to be too shocked. 

Maybe dating apps will help you find the satisfaction you need, but at the end of the day there’s nothing wrong with having the occasional orgy with your very closest of contacts. Just use protection, and as the CCT says, no rimming! 

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