March 21 | April 19
You don’t feel like yourself this week, which is normal—everyone has off days. On the other hand, you might be possessed. If you think this might be the case, write “we need to talk” on your mirror in lipstick and wait.
April 20 | May 20
Spiritually, you need to stand in a cold river while the water trickles over your bare feet. Physically, I’m not sure you can do that right now, so take an ice-cold shower instead and try not to get hypothermia.
May 21 | June 20
Tidy your workspace; you’ll feel extra productive. Let the mementos you find remind you of the transience of life, and how we can’t relive a single moment, no matter how we try… Recycle papers you don’t need.
June 21 | July 22
As it gets colder out, reassess your jacket game. Will you be effectively conveying your ideal cozy-yet-fashionable aesthetic? This season, try out problem patterns! It’s 2020; wear plaid with floral. Who cares?
July 23 | August 22
I’ve been thinking about aliens recently. A lot of scientists are genuinely confused that we haven’t found any yet. Watch “The X-Files” and take notes. And assess your friends this week—they may be among us.
August 23 | September 22
You don’t have to be perfect all the time. The only thing you get when you’re perfect is enemies. Use this week to let out all the pent-up mistake-making you’ve been too worried to do lately. Literally, fuck up everything.
September 23 | October 22
Nostalgia can be a dangerous game, but listening to your middle school playlist is always a good idea. Let the soothing sounds of early Rihanna, Taio Cruz and Mr. Worldwide take you back to a less stressful time.
October 23 | November 21
It’s the season of realization. If you haven’t started realizing things yet, you soon will. Look out for signs from the Universe that make you go, “I get it now,” but in a way where you aren’t too happy about it.
November 22 | December 21
Your energy is admirable, but you don’t have to do everything all at once. There’s still so much time to get done all you want to do! For example, you can wait until next weekend. Or even next month.
December 22 | January 19
A healthy amount of anxiety is good, but don’t let your worries consume you. If you’re looking for de-stressing techniques, try a long walk, or cooking, or retail therapy. Or sex.
January 20 | February 18
You probably don’t believe in astrology, but isn’t this fun? I know everything about you. I’m just not going to tell you because then that would spoil the surprise. Just know, though, that I know. Yaknow?
February 19 | March 20
Learn from someone unexpected this week, and never shut yourself off to new knowledge. Find YouTube tutorials for things you would never dream of attempting. Absorb the information anyway. Grow those synapses!