Dr. G’s Love Advice: Worried my hookup is sleeping around

Dear Dr. G,

I am worried that my hookup buddy for the semester might be sleeping around. How do I ask him about it in a cute, sexy, flirty way?

-Serious, but like not THAT serious

Dear Serious,

Practicing #SafeSix means wearing a mask, social distancing and sticking your d*ck (or d*gits) in only one person at a time. I know PB is all about “We precedes Me,” but she certainly does not mean in the bedroom; in that case, the fewer the better. Assuming you’ve DTR’d (Defined the Relationship) with your fall semester friend with benefits, then you have some valid concerns about having sex with a super-spreader if you think they’re having #SafeSix with six other people. 

Your first mission should be to confirm your hypothesis. Now, I understand that for many of us who have taken a research methods course, you may think that the way to do this is to confirm it with an experiment; perhaps your first instinct would be to add your boo on FindMyFriends, FaceTime them randomly throughout the day or ask your friend they are in a class with to keep an eye out. But I think we have all been through far too many SAVP trainings to think that any of this is healthy behavior. Come on folx! Nicole Wong ’15 would be disappointed! My expert advice is to ask them directly if you’re exclusive; you can never DTR too much. I think you might have a more pleasant conversation if you ask them over a dine-in Deece meal in Zone B (not Zone A though, the vibes are bad on that side, I will not explain why). Another option is convincing them to buy you a Crafted latte on a Sunday before you write the essay you put off all weekend. My personal favorite is to ask them to talk while you’re tipsy on a Friday night, then schedule to meet and chat Saturday morning, effectively burying the lead and throwing your concerns to your future self. Either way, always chat in a clear way, use an “I” statement, make sure you’re sober and in an okay mood…If you need more advice, drop in on your student fellow at an absolutely random time and throw this question to them. 

So, what do you do if, and I quote, “these hoes ain’t loyal”? My first recommendation is to schedule a COVID-19 test on Vassar’s favorite app: Healow. Under reason for visit, instead of writing “COVID-19 test” or something like that, instead you should write, “I’ve been very naughty ;).” I promise you that if you write this, they will totally get the message and give you the earliest possible testing spot, probably even bypassing the student-athlete testing times. Next, I want to quell a totally normal feeling; you might want to go on a “hot-girl semester” binge and find one, two, maybe five more hookups this week. I promise you, this will not make you feel better. If anything, it’ll cause you to wake up with a cough next week and have to make the walk of shame to the Aula to get yet another nasopharynx swab (but hey, some people like that, so to each their own I guess). Finally, we need to make a clear distinction between slut-shaming and being a risk during a pandemic. Remember, you’re not pissed off at them because they had sex with other people, you’re mad at them because there’s no way for you to get tested often enough for both of you to have multiple partners. We have a budget here, and you can’t spend all your time in the Aula and the bedroom. 

Rest assured, time and time again, open communication has saved the day for many young lovers, and it’s much better than just sitting around and feeling weird about it (trust me, I know). It is always better to have loved and broken up than loved and then like, just one day you stop texting and then bump into each other on the day you decided to stuff your hair into a hat because you slept through your 9:30 a.m. Who knows? Maybe your exclusivity discussion will end up going a different direction than you think. If you’re lucky, you might be one of the few who gets to try out a throuple in undergrad! After all, Vassar loves research and experimentation, so have some fun. 

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