Dr. G: A guide to finding a rich spouse on Vassar campus

Juliette Pope/The Miscellany News.

Dear Dr. G,

I have a dirty confession to make. I only came to Vassar to find someone rich to marry so I can have an easy and beautiful life as a trophy spouse. I’ve run into some difficulty so far finding the perfect partner, so my question is: what majors should I be looking for in a partner at Vassar if I am trying to marry rich?

-Diamonds are a he/they’s best friend

Dear Diamonds,

Before I venture into this territory, I feel like it is my obligation to tell you that all that glitters is not gold. Sure, you could settle down with a partner who will find a nice, financially stable job one month post-grad, but you are important and your education is important, too. Why not become the successful one yourself? As Cher said in a 1996 interview, “Mom, I am a rich man.”

Okay, now that I’m off my soapbox, let me admit that I, too, have imagined the possibility that my only future responsibilities are taking care of my dream dog, looking hot, f*cking like a champ and being as pretty as a literal trophy to a rich spouse. So, here are my official thoughts on the academic majors at Vassar most likely to finance the guilty pleasure for diamonds you develop in your late 20s. 

First, I want to confront a few important “Don’t” majors. Of course, steering clear of any major in the arts is a safe decision, especially English. You might be dating the next Mark Twain or Edna St. Vincent Millay, but at the same time we all know the old Vassar legend that the squirrels of Vassar are the souls of English majors who failed to find a job post-grad. If you must date an arts major, the top of your list should be film majors, and the bottom should definitely be studio arts, in terms of future income. But at the same time, the list from most to least bearable as a partner goes in reverse order (I can’t imagine dating a film major, not gonna lie), which is a good illustration of why the arts are a wash. 

Another controversial major to avoid is economics. Yes, many econ majors in the U.S. go into finance, and asking the general econ major you will hear many high-paying target jobs, but I’ve had sex with an econ major before and not only is the stroke game weak, but they don’t even know anything about the stock market? In fact, the only thing your econ major partner will be able to do for you is make a kickin’ Excel graph…but I’m not sure that’s worth the wedding bands. Finally, biology majors might seem like an easy way into marrying a future doctor, but the Bio Department is good at doing exactly one thing, and that’s demotivating their majors from pre-med coursework. It’s pretty hard to want to take the MCAT and go to medical school when your alternative is researching butterflies forever until you die, which I promise is less lucrative than your other options at Vassar. 

Now, as for the highest recommended departments, I can confidently say that a biochemistry major is a safe bet. Unlike bio, the Biochem Department knows it’s training future doctors, and sets them up pretty well to f*ck bitches and get money post-grad. Another option that may be more surprising is foreign language (FL) majors. On their own, FL majors may seem like they don’t have strong post-grad opportunities, but almost every FL major at Vassar has a second major which they can actually work in as an adult, and they come with an added bonus that their work might make them move out of the U.S., maybe to another country with less fascism and more healthcare. Similarly, while a political science major may not necessarily be very viable of a candidate as a high-earner, Vassar students have really niche interests, and your poli-sci boo might be able to corner the market on some international law or advocacy position, meaning that they will be a jet-setting and cash-raking fiancé. However, the best major to date above all is definitely anyone who majors in a multidisciplinary program (that’s right Victorian studies, I’m looking at you). Their work will always be interesting, it can be almost anywhere on any topic and they’ll also still care about things like the environment and social justice and making you come during sex. After all, what company wouldn’t want to hire a jack-of-all-trades who can go from a fiscal analysis to quoting their favorite poet? I promise, future employers will find it intriguing and sexy and not at all annoying (I think?). 

At the end of the day, we are all getting a pretty quality education, so I wouldn’t stress too much about finding a rich partner right now. You’ll probably have all of grad school to do that, too, and if you weren’t thinking of grad school you can pull a “Legally Blonde” and just take the LSAT in the name of love <3. If at the end of your four years you still aren’t convinced you’ll make enough money for your lifestyle on your own, I have one last tip for you: Make a joke about a part of the FAFSA, and anyone in the room who doesn’t get it is a perfect target, regardless of major ;).

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