Lessons from the impeachment trial you can apply to your love life

While Valentine’s Day may have passed us by already, it is never too late to reevaluate your romantic relationships and ask yourself, “What can I do differently?” And where better to look for insights into sex, dating and intimacy than the second impeachment trial of former President Donald J. Trump? It could not have come at a better moment to make us all take a step back and desperately try to figure out not only what is wrong with this world, but also what is wrong with our sensual selves. The trial did not disappoint with tips and tricks to make everyone you meet fall to their knees and scream “Why, god, why is this happening?” Here’s a round up of the most useful romantic takeaways: 

Denial: The truth is overrated. Ask anyone. Well, ask yourself when someone says something that makes you feel like a bad person. Did you make fun of something your partner is sensitive about? Deny you ever say it. Did you storm the Capitol and smear your feces along the walls? If you insist it never happened—guess what? It never did! 

Lie: Much like denial, lying makes everything difficult and stressful about your love life, or inciting a coup, just melt away. “But Blair,” you say, “lying makes me feel guilty!” Boo freaking hoo. Do you want to have a happy, successful, perfect relationship? Take a deep breath and insist that everything everyone is saying—and the video evidence they have to support it—is faked by the same people who were under attack weeks before just to make you look bad.  

Empty Promises in Impassioned Speeches: We all knew Mitch McConnell must be quite the heartbreaker, didn’t we? Well he proved it with that little number on the Senate floor. Voting to acquit and then shouting for a long time about accountability? Hold the magic still, Mr. Senator! This might seem like a very specific action that is largely inapplicable to the average person’s romance—but trust me, next time you have to get your in-laws from the airport you’re going to want to use this one! Make bold claims about how on time you’ll be and then don’t show up. It’s a handy tactic with basically any behavior you don’t want to change because you get off easy,, and your partner (or 70-some million Americans) hate it.

Cower: This one goes out to my fellow single people looking for love! But how do you find it? Try what the Senate Republicans who wanted to vote against the former president but just couldn’t bring themselves to do it did: simply cower in fear. Forget your values, your principles, your belief, your experiences hiding under your desk while an angry mob called for your colleagues to be hanged and just don’t put yourself out there. Why risk the discomfort of honesty when you could just…not? Stay single. Stay morally compromised. If you want some good tactics for cowering, see the sections on “lying” and “empty promises.”

Drop a Game-changing Piece of Information and then Do Nothing With It: Want things with your partner to get more serious? Want them to get less serious? Scream these things at the top of your lungs and then never break the silence that follows. It helps if, like representative Jaime Herrera Beutler, you have a whole group of other representatives threatening time-consuming legal procedures to ensure that your partner never has the chance to fully process or respond to what you just said. 

No one ever said relationships or democracy were easy, but thanks to the impeachment trial, we now all know a few ways we can pretend to make big changes in our lives without doing anything differently. 

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