Dear Dr. G,
WTF? This guy I haven’t hooked up with since my first year just hit me up asking if I wanted to grab a “socially distanced meal” on a bench outside? I know myself, and that night after the mug was my worst performance in bed yet. HE’S NOT EVEN THAT CUTE! What gives?
-Not that Desperate… Yet
Dear Desperate,
Yikes! This seems to be quite the unexpected turn for our on-campus hook-up culture. We are all familiar with the awkward f*ck-buddy search that started early last fall, but who would have thought that we would find ourselves getting into a relationship this many weeks after Valentine’s Day? There are a number of possible implications, and I warn you, dear reader, none of them are looking optimistic.
The first possible explanation is that your blast-from-the-past doesn’t want to blast at all; maybe they just want to get a meal on a bench outside. Perhaps they somehow became your roommate’s girlfriend’s SI’s class-mate, or some other incredibly obscure yet incredibly intimate relation. This could be them wanting to extend a non-sexual olive branch. Pod formations are coming in hot, and soon enough you’re all going to need to participate in apartment draw for the first time and you haven’t even seen the people from your pre-COVID friend group since before the first-first quarantine (March 2020 baby!). I guess it could never hurt to expand your social circle a little bit, especially since Lucy-or-Ella has been pissing you off recently. But, when you really start to think about this one it starts to fall apart; who is going to go out of their way to expose themself—not even sexually, but to COVID, no less—just to make a new friend when COVID is as serious as it has ever been? Worse yet, I know you weren’t even into them, but this means that they aren’t uncontrollably drawn to your hot, raw sexual energy? They weren’t sitting in their Lathrop double thinking about how sexy, funny, interesting, smart, good at Chemistry and unforgettable you are? That’s b*llshit! Like, it’s hurtful and also I don’t believe it. In summary, f*ck this option.
The next option is more realistic but more hurtful. Maybe they have simply made their way through their entire fellow group, all their hallmates, all their shameful past Villard party contacts and even one of their friend’s exes that they swore they would never have sex with (again), and you are simply the bottom of the barrel. This is certainly not a big confidence boost, but the hickeys you see on people’s necks as they scamper around the Deece securing their to-go meals don’t lie. I’m sure we’re all plenty aware that people all across this campus are doing the nasty, so it’s not like we haven’t all run our contact lists dry. Unfortunately, you were just the last “Guy from Mug Night” they had left saved on their phone, and it would be a tad too awkward to just invite themself over to bang (they’d invite you over, but they have a roommate who is always there or something). I guess the pro to this possibility is that you might be in the same boat, but when you’re each other’s last choice sexual partner, everyone loses and they probably wouldn’t even cuddle after >:(.
The final option is one you’re familiar with if you’re a religious Dr. G reader. Someone got to cuffing season WAY too late this year but is still determined to find their one true love. I suppose this would be the most optimistic choice; maybe they saw you standing in the mailroom line to pick up a package (the vibrator you ordered, just own it don’t be shy) and were struck by how you so delicately had sweat through your jacket or how your mask sat just beautifully against your sweaty, sweaty face. This could be your one big chance at finding a love that will last even longer than your relationship with the coffee lady at the Deece. A love that keeps you up at night (because you think you have COVID), takes your breath away (because you think you have COVID), and brings a tear to your eye (while you’re getting a nasopharynx swab because you think you have COVID). The con to this option is obvious; if your lover is actually in it just to slap your bodies together in their TA once every two weeks and then have you leave immediately, you may find yourself a little heartbroken, as you’ve been imagining the two of you sharing a Retreat protein bowl, whenever that’s allowed again.
Being asked on a date? Wonderful. Being remembered fondly by an ex hookup that you almost forgot about? Maybe just pleasant. That same past hookup not, in fact, asking you on a date, but asking if they can f*ck you? Priceless. On that note, if any of my past hookups are looking to bang I am not above that level of desperation, hit me up at my editor’s email address (imigani@vassar.edu).