Dr. G: How to get a sugar guardian from inside the bubble

Juliette Pope/The Miscellany News

Dear Dr. G,

I’ve been a little strapped for cash recently and I’m looking for ways to branch out and make some funds in addition to my absolute minimum wage work study job. Would you by any chance… know how to find a sugar daddy/mommy without breaking the Vassar Bubble?

-Not Picky for the Right Price

Dear Picky,

Before I get into all things sugar baby for you, I want to reference to you an article I wrote previously which described in detail how to marry rich on campus. If you need more money in the short term, I would be happy to provide some ways to stay afloat in exchange for your morals as soon as this week. 

First, I of course have to give a shoutout to my official sponsor, Seeking Arrangements (EDITOR’ S NOTE: SEEKING ARRANGEMENTS™ IS NOT AN OFFICIAL SPONSOR OF DR. G). Not only does the use of a .edu email address grant you a free premium account, but the user interface is shockingly easy to use, and spotting someone who is a bot, a catfish or both is actually incredibly simple. You can filter by income levels, favored traits and interests, marital status, and even if they have children or not (finally, a form of paternalism you can get into!). There are also all types of suitors, from those seeking a casual fling, those into dirty talk or feet pics, and even those looking for a live-in house boy in their million-dollar house in California. The added feature of searching by city or region allows you to sink your hooks into someone wealthy in any city, and with enough financial support you could even pay to relocate. There are countless sugar legal-guardians who want to have sex with you, but who also want to help you get connected, find a job and be a supporting mentor through your 20s. I will say that a major downside of this option is that very few people on these kinds of websites are looking for long distance, so unless they live on campus actively, there will most likely be slim pickings. 

That brings me to my next delicious option, which is looking right here in our very own bubble. That’s right, I’m talking about faculty and staff. Sure, maybe your Computer Science professor isn’t the hottest person you’ve ever met, and despite your very young Biochemistry professor being hot, you can’t get over the feeling that you’re being a home-wrecker by looking at him like that (I mean, he does have a newborn at home, anyone would feel like, a little weird about that). Also, this one is highkey against the rules. But I know you kinky freaks still long for the naughty rush of being a bad, bad student staying after class for extra credit, and you’d probably do it for free if you got the chance…Imagine if you could get an A and a fat wad of cash for your troubles. If you are well versed in the art of the utmost discretion, I could see this one working for you, dear reader. The biggest downside of this one is obvious: How much money do you seriously think your professors are raking in? Think long and hard about the risk-reward of this course of action before making any big moves (maybe you could ask your hot Econ professor to break it down for you ;) ).

This last option pains me to write, but it must be explored for scientific reasons. I do, in fact, know y’all are leaving campus anyways…You might as well just look for a sugar daddy while you’re out there in the wild. The reason this is a terrible option is obvious. What kind of immature stupid rude inconsiderate limp-d*cked remorseless disrespectful mother-f*cker is leaving campus right now for fun? What, the 1000 acres wasn’t enough for you? You just really needed to drive yourself to Dunkin’ Donuts or McDonalds or whatever, like Doordash doesn’t exist? As long as you’re out there literally risking your own life and mine to get a f*cking bagel, you might as well be securing the bag. I have to ask you though, dear reader, how many f*ckable millionaires do you think there are in the Hudson Valley? Surely not enough to put us at risk. If you really want to leave campus, literally just apply to leave through some org or something (I think the Rugby team is still recruiting, at least get a workout in while you pop the bubble idk). 

This is surely not an exhaustive list, but I’m sure with enough persistence and fortitude, you’ll make enough to cover rent this month and have some leftover to get a pedicure for those nasty feet you’ve been selling pictures of. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go remember my own password for Seeking Arrangements ;).

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