How will Vassar help me survive a zombie apocalypse?

At a highly prestigious liberal arts college, one might assume that you would acquire a vast set of skills to prepare you for the rest of your life. A college degree in today’s world is viewed by many as essential. However, given the unprecedented times we live in, it seems that anything could happen at a moment’s notice. It raises the question: How would a degree from Vassar help you in a zombie apocalypse? Asking some of the College’s brightest young minds this very question, some creative, unique, and unconventional responses emerged: 

Phoebe Kinder ’24, a Studio Art major, would use her artistic skill set to infiltrate the enemy: “I would betray my fellow humans and disguise myself as one of the zombies in order to gain their trust and make peace between both parties.” 

Philosophy major Ganesh Pillai ’23 would use his deep thinking as a bargaining tool: “Maybe something like asking them questions about what they’re doing in an attempt to get them to reconsider killing me. Or at the very least I probably at this point would have written a bunch of work about random philosophy stuff, so my books would provide good weapons?”

Cognitive Science major Mira Genkovska ’23 has a bit of a different thought process on how to fend off the zombies: “Zombies want my brain, which will make it hard for them. Cause we don’t really know what’s brain and what’s mind. Where does one end and the other begin? What if zombies have a type? And they actually like minds and not really brains? I mean, that’s the main thing we talk about in class…and how to make Excel spreadsheets.” 

Johnathan Wohl ’23, a Computer Science major, would take a much more practical approach to this issue stating, “Maybe I could write code to track which places have the highest levels of zombie traffic to find the best hiding spot.”

For Nico Galvin ’23, mathematical skills would come in handy… but at the expense of others: “As a Math major, I would be the most qualified to count and distribute food in a group of survivors, which puts me in the perfect position to steal all the food and ditch them. Sorry, that’s life.”

Similarly, fellow Math major Thomas Muff ’23 would use his skills to rationalize his survival. He also added some opinions on how other majors might help: “Well, if a zombie moves at x miles per hour and if there are z zombies and f friends, if for a subset of friends f’ where the members of this set of friends move at a rate equal to or less than x (zombie speed) such that f’ is equal to or greater than z, assuming one zombie eats one person, then you will survive. And for any Philosophy major, if they just read the zombies a passage from ‘A Critique of Pure Reason,’ the zombie will eventually fall asleep and everyone will be saved.”

Overall, these innovative and eccentric responses are a comforting reminder of what our education is all about: surviving the next apocalyptic event that will surely be upon us soon!

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