Desperate inquirer asks Dr G: Is OnlyFans my only option?

Juliette Pope/The Miscellany News

Dear Dr. G,

I was inspired by your last article, as I, too, am strapped for cash, but I’m not really into the whole sugar baby thing. Do you have any other ideas to find some funds without buying into my own mommy/daddy issues?

-Too Salty to be a Sugar Baby

Dear Salty,

I’m going to be transparent and say that I didn’t expect many people to be 100 percent into the idea of being a sugar baby just from the last article. Who can blame them? Adults are scary and f*cked up (I know, I’m an adult who is scary and f*cked up), and generally I think we gravitate away from people who are 30+ years older than us. If you don’t, to each their own, but for the layman there has to be another way. That is why I am going to reveal to you my ultimate money making plan that is guaranteed to help you earn a crazy amount of money in a short amount of time. 

You should make an OnlyFans account with your Pod.

Let me explain myself. Your pod is a group of individuals that you trust with your COVID safety and therefore effectively your life. I know many students on campus spent many long and hard hours agonizing over which Emma or which friend from the Lax team to put in your group, and we all had to settle on just five other people at most. These are the people with whom you certainly spend the most of your time, and it’s possible that you’ve even already considered boning one or two of them. This is probably a discussion that would come up very much in a “haha jkjk… unless?” situation, and it is here that I implore you to find truth in that “unless.” You have already had so many talks about community norms and safety standards with these people, who better to make raunchy pornographic content with?

First, have that chat. Bring everyone to your favorite room in Rocky, the one with the vulva-shaped seminar table, maybe even buy everyone a coffee and start your pitch. We have all seen the ridiculous amounts of money that solo acts make on OnlyFans, and accounts which feature more than one individual regularly are proven to make even more each month (Idk I made that up, but like probably). You would all never need to worry about funds for the laundry machine, running out of Arlington Bucks or the cost of your online shopping ever again. And all for the small price of your precious friendship? Hell, that will probably survive all of this if you make enough money. When was the last time that money or sex ruined anything?

Next, make the account and start creating content. Account creation is easy, as long as every member of your pod is of legal age you should have no problem (you do need to send in a photo of your driver’s license though, so if your pod has any gay New York City kids they just can’t participate I guess). To plan content, just ask yourself: What do horny strangers want to see college kids doing? I mean, you can totally just have normal sex and post that, but you could also use gimmicks, role play and costumes to give your content an extra pop. The CCT says that if you’re in a space with just your pod you can have your masks off, so what is stopping you from casually making a sex tape in one of the Swift classrooms after hours? Just remember, if another person joins you will all need to be masked. Plus, after all these weird Vassar party themes I know everyone has enough quirky clothes to make some interesting costumes. Holidays, Halloween costumes, Founder’s Day, whatever bizarre-themed party you went to at the frisbee TH that one time, the closet of a Vassar student is a gold mine of illicit clothing and funny props to put on and then quickly take off in the throes of love making. 

Finally, be smart! For instance, make sure you set aside part of your funds from your group adventure to pay your taxes at the end of the year (for further questions about this, reach out to your favorite economics professor). You’ll also want to make sure you’re not conspicuous about the amount of money you’re making; the cashier at the Crafted Kup stand might be confused if you’re suddenly buying 30 cups of coffee a week, all in small bills. Finally, when you become rich and famous from this new venture, be sure to make your regular donations to Vassar through the Alumni Association so that future students can continue the beautiful and illicit lifestyle we have all come to know and love at Vassar today.

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