Dear Dr. G,
Help! I just hit on one of my editors during a group Zoom call and she was TOTALLY not interested! How can I ever submit another article?? Please help me!
-Nuts for these Nuts
Haven’t we all told our editor “hey ur hot lmao” during a Zoom call and lived to regret it? I know I have. Here’s how to work past it with a little bit of grace and a little bit of dignity:
#1: DON’T write an article about it!
I am no stranger to the familiar challenge of writer’s block. But, listen, there are brighter pastures and the grass is always greener on the other side. Why write an article about it and make things even worse? What if she personally had to edit it? Wouldn’t that be so uncomfortable for her? Not to mention the fact that all of her coworkers would read your anonymous article and wonder who it was about! She might even become the subject of everyone’s attention and suspicion. Nothing makes you hotter and more alluring than an infamous sex columnist getting their rocks off to your in-line comments on Google Docs.
#2: Make sure not to talk to your boss about it!
They always say don’t cry over spilled milk. But, maybe you could reconsider if you’re crying over telling the Humor Editor that you’re horny for your fellow Misc staff! Sure, she is your friend, but her job is to read your article and make sure it’s not just depraved smut, which includes protecting her fellow editors from reading you talking about wanting to have sex with them!!! After all, it would be crazy if your boss just let you hit on and hook up with just any editor on the Misc staff! That would be immoral, and honestly … kinda hot ;)
#3: I am in love with Izzy Migani.
Izzy, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I would do anything for you. You know that part of “Graceland Too” by Phoebe Bridgers where she sings “whatever she wants”? That’s literally why I’m writing this article right now. I know you’re just a Humor Editor and I’m just a Humor Columnist, but I think we can make it work. Also, you’re in a relationship and I’m queer, which is a bit more of a hurdle for us to jump over, but I believe that with trust, perseverance and me hitting on you in Zoom calls by accident because I erroneously think that you’re into me, we can make it work.
#4: It can make future work Zooms awkward!
Yeah, it can be pretty uncomfortable when your fellow Zoom university students accidentally see the shrine you made for your editor in the background of all of your calls, right next to your bed and the candles you use to drip hot wax on yourself late at night. Maybe she’s into that?? ;) but anyways, you should at least change your virtual background to something else while interviewing to become a Columnist for the Misc, like Sunset Lake, or a collage of pictures where that one Misc editor just looks sooooo cute ;)
#5: PLEASE DON’T GET MY HOPES UP.
Listen, it’s all fun and games until I buy a 12 karat ring that fits perfectly on her beautiful, humor-article-editing hands. Do you know how many weeks of work study pay I need to save up to buy this sh*t? I get paid eleven dollars and eighty f*cking cents an hour (and NOT EVEN to write this article) for nine hours a week, all just to save up enough to convince her to say yes. In the immortal words of Taylor Swift’s re-recorded album, “Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone/ I’ll be waiting”. :)
So, I hope this has been an informative guide of the “do’s” and don’t’s” of intra-office relationships. If you have any further questions, please direct them to my editor, Izzy Migani at email@example.com :) (Hahahaha this would be so much funnier if Izzy Migani and I were dating haha wouldn’t that be so funny ?).