A string of on-campus incidents has forced the Vassar Student Association to re-evaluate the validity of some of its student organizations. After review, multiple preliminary and even some certified organizations were suspended or shut down for reckless conduct. This morning, the VSA released a full list of club closures and suspensions.
The first club to be shuttered by the VSA was the Rabid Coyote Husbandry Club (RCHB). The popular coyote-breeding organization first received complaints on Thursday night, after Hermione, their most prolific stud female, escaped her first-year handlers during an artificial insemination session, and resurfaced in the ecological preserve the following morning to attack a trail runner in broad daylight. When asked to comment, Hermione growled menacingly and drooled all over the floor. The trail runner requested anonymity, but when asked to comment, responded, “RCBH is an absolute disgrace. I don’t know what they’re playing at, but they need to get those coyotes out of there before someone gets killed.” The trail runner then growled menacingly and drooled all over the floor.
Next on the list was the Uranium Enrichment Club, whose first year of existence came to a sudden end after a leak of radioactive chemicals in the woods near Sunset Lake. The group had been a hot topic across campus for its attempts to extract large quantities of uranium-235 isotopes every Tuesday and Friday from 6 to 8 p.m. Despite having a pair of physics and chemistry double majors in leadership positions, the group was unable to safely contain their experiments, as one of the gas centrifuges they had commissioned from the art department’s introductory sculpture class ruptured, irradiating a 500-meter stretch of trees along Raymond Avenue. An anonymous source from the president’s office reported the college was ill-equipped to manage the effects of radiation poisoning, but they did confirm that many afflicted students have been used by roommates as a cheap alternative to LED lighting.
The Random Wild Mushroom Tasting Club was also permanently disbanded, as the group’s remarkably short meeting times were linked to the onset of vomiting spells and extreme hallucinations after an average of seven minutes. The final straw was a formal complaint from Health Services, claiming that the club needed more buckets and straitjackets than they could provide. When asked about the future of random wild mushroom tasting on campus, the club’s former president, who gave her name as “Uh, all the stars in the—the grass”, refused to comment, citing the presence of a nearby group of fifteen-foot bipedal rainbow squirrels doing push-ups and practicing their Scottish accents.
Undoubtedly, one of the most controversial club closures was Intramural DodgeBow. Founded by roommates frustrated with Vassar’s lack of investment in archery and dodgeball, Intramural DodgeBow racked up a record number of signatures on its application petition in August. However, the VSA shut the club down after its first week of practices, all of which ended with double-digit punctures. Speaking from Vassar Brothers Hospital, club Treasurer Karl Johnson addressed the club’s critics with an impassioned “Not…a foul…mommy” before being interrupted by his doctor.
With such a high-profile list of closures, most club suspensions have flown under the radar. One group whose suspension may have warranted more attention was the Unscrupulous Hackers’ Alliance (UHA), an affinity group for skilled programmers with no aversion to stealing their fellow students’ personal information. The UHA was suspended in conjunction with Vocally Compromised, an acapella group founded by UHA’s president—known only as MarkyMark. The group was suspended after its first public performance—a vocal arrangement of the ID’s and passwords of more than two dozen students. Putting two and two together, the VSA, many of whose ID’s were featured in the performance, suspended the UHA. The decision was met with internal uproar. Fifteen minutes after the announcement the VSA’s official Facebook account posted, “Our decision was bullshit. The UHA did nothing wrong. MarkyMark will rise again.”
So far, the only theatre org to face any repercussions is Vassar’s experimental Bonfire Theatre troupe, whose programming was suspended following the most recent in a series of theatre fires. This did not sit well with Luna Vargas ’22, who was supposed to play the lead role in their upcoming production “Let’s Burn This Place to the Ground”. When asked to comment, Vargas took a break from spreading handfuls of dried grass across the floor of the Powerhouse Theatre and covering them with lighter fluid, and embarked on a fifteen-minute tirade about how little the VSA appreciates art.
With the recruitment of new members high on every club’s mind at the start of the year, the VSA preemptively suspended both the Espionage Club and the Counter-Espionage Club, to avoid a repeat of last year’s mysterious accidents and international intrigue. The Miscellany News has received comments from both clubs, but our staff cryptanalysts have not come close to deciphering either one.
In a revision to their initial list, the VSA has announced the suspension of two further clubs. Vassar Headbangers, which was approved after the VSA’s mistaken assumption that it was a thrash metal appreciation club, has been suspended after Health Services confirmed that the campus was on track for a record number of concussions. Another new affinity group, Students for Destruction of Property, was shut down before it had even finished the application process, after campus security reported multiple incidents of destruction of property. Finally, in response to swirling rumors that the student body might finally petition for a Vassar Gladiators club, the VSA has made its position clear: “Don’t even think about it.”