Dear Dr. G,
I’m nervous to write in because I’ve actually never had sex before… But my partner and I are really close, so I think I’m ready. Do you have any tips for the big day?
-Star Trek: Voyager
Dear Voyager,
Different members of the Vassar community are certainly at different stages when it comes to the personal journey. I’ll admit that I’m just like you; I scroll through @Vassar.Confessions on Insta for 45 minutes before getting out of bed, I pull up to Zoom class three minutes late with my camera off, and I put my thong on one leg at a time… And, I was nervous before my first time, too. However, I will share some expertise that I have developed over the years of depraved sexual activity on how to make your first time happy and comfortable.
It’s really all about communication! For example, people actually really like it when you say their name in bed, it makes things more intimate. It’s actually even better if you say their entire name, full first and last, especially while they’re inside of you (or you inside of them). Nothing turns me on quite as much as my partner moaning my family name in my ear, so be sure to say it at least two times every minute, or just about every time you think they’ve forgotten their entire legal name (but no dead-naming!). Also, I’m not sure if you’ve consumed much pornography in the past, but it is totally unrealistic; the actors don’t moan and scream nearly as much as you should in bed. If your neighbors don’t know that you two are f*cking, you’re not being loud enough, so try moaning/screaming just a bit louder, people love that. When in doubt, communicate more! If there is even a moment of silence, be sure to fill it to keep things interesting. Don’t be afraid to propose a word game or an ice breaker if you want to get to know them a little better, there’s never a wrong time for fun get-to-know-you games.
Your first time can always feel a little awkward, but I think that’s a somewhat universal experience for the first time. For example, many people don’t know that it can actually be really awkward if you don’t pee during sex (which is why people tend to put out a towel before doing the deed), so be sure to fit that in before you and your partner reach a full climax. It also sometimes will turn your partner on to cough right in their face during sex; in our time of COVID-19, it can be a show of deep intimacy to spew germs all over your partner’s face during the act, so be sure to pull down your mask and give them a few good hearty coughs. There is also a HUGE turn-on that I always do during sex that you can feel free to use. Try to fit your mouth over your partner’s entire nose, and blow hard into it, and you can actually feel your breath blowing back at you through their mouth. Huge turn-on, helps to clear their sinuses, and is great practice for your EMT practical this weekend (probably)! Hickeys are something everyone should also try at least once, so here is a list of hot places to leave hickeys if your partner is down for that: along the underside of their forearms and triceps, right in the middle of their bicep, six on their stomach so it looks like they have a six-pack and on their calves and shins. This will give you a great chance to explore your partner’s body more intimately.
All that’s left to do is to prepare. I think it would be a good idea to invite your partner over, order an entire pizza from Baccio’s (at least a medium), and eat the entire thing in front of them before you get started. This shows that you can eat a lot, which is kind of cool and impressive, plus pizza reminds your partner of fun memories, like eating pizza, or going to Chuck-E-Cheese, which will get them in a fun and playful mood for the night. It can also be fun for you to paint your genitals before they come over (or even try Vajazzling yourself if you’re down for new and fun experiences!) so they can have a fun and surprising experience. Finally, you can save a lot of time during the hook up if you prepare by covering all of your orifices in a nice water based lube, as well as preparing a small charcuterie board of condoms and small sex toys for you to make use of during the act. Oh, and I almost forgot, it can be overwhelming to have two other people over at once your first time, so try to keep it to just even numbers, like four or six total. Having five or seven people there can just sort of kill the vibe.
Okay, I hope this has been helpful! If you have any more questions about how to get it on in a safe and fun way your first time, hit up the CRC non-emergency number or just ask your partner (unless it’s also their first time, in which case I recommend you both invest in some blindfolds so you can capitalize on the whole flying blind thing).