Horoscopes: April 29

ARIES
March 21 | April 19
May is just around the corner and so is SPRING CLEANING! Time to rearrange all your stuff or just shift things around enough for a change of scene. Vacuuming is good too! Take before and after photos to motivate yourself. I believe in you.

TAURUS
April 20 | May 20

I’m gonna be honest; being at Vassar is kinda funny because I just like KNOW that at least one of you is gonna end up being famous and that’s super weird to think about. In the interest of taking advantage of this, send me an autographed card that I can tuck away for later.

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GEMINI
May 21 | June 20

I am not a chemist but you might be. If you are, I simply must know: Why does cold water in the middle of the night taste so. Fucking. Good???? Cold water in the day just tastes regular, alright, fine. Cold water at 2am could wake the dead. I need an explanation.

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CANCER
June 21 | July 22

When I run out of ideas for these sometimes I use a tarot generator online and I kept getting the Cups suit but here’s the thing: I don’t actually know anything about tarot so all I can tell you is that there might be a lot of cups in your future. Drink water, I guess.

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LEO
July 23 | August 22

Everytime it rains and there are worms on the sidewalk I CRY. I literally cry because I keep stepping on them and there’s no way to fix it!! Treat your emotions like worms on the sidewalk: don’t step on them because then you will feel bad <3 That makes sense right?

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VIRGO
August 23 | September 22

Sticks and rocks and flowers that are apparently “weeds” are LITERALLY the best things in the entire world like I can’t believe anyone would look at a dandelion and go “gross ew get away” LIKE. She’s literally just chilling and she is so bright yellow. I love her.

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LIBRA
September 23 | October 22

Do you ever think about the fact that we are made up of bones? Basically fancy rocks just inside of our bodies and they move and groove about. What’s up with that? Without them we would just be all floppy and gross. Crazy. Treat your bones well this week! Whatever that means.

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SCORPIO
October 23 | November 21

We used to think that shrimp could see more colors than humans could. But, while they have stronger eyes, their perception of color is actually weaker than ours. How sad! If I was a shrimp I’d teach them about purple. I bet they would love that.

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SAGITTARIUS
November 22 | December 21

What’s your favorite word? I’m partial to “acquiesce” but to be honest I’m not picky. If I had to pick a part of speech I’d pick adjective, because there are so many of them! I remember learning that articles are technically adjectives, and that blew my whole mind. Learning is fun.

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CAPRICORN
December 22 | January 19

If there is something you’ve been avoiding (laundry, dishes, cleaning out the moldy raspberries in your fridge, ok maybe that last one was just me), now is the time to DO IT! Spending even five minutes on a task is often enough of a push to get you to finish it.

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AQUARIUS
January 20 | February 18

I put zinc on my face every morning but to be honest I really don’t know what it does. This is a reminder to be inquisitive and slightly skeptical about everything, because even though the zinc is probably fine and good it’s still nice to know what it’s supposed to do to me.

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PISCES
February 19 | March 20

Sometimes the universe gives you a sign. Sometimes you only THINK it’s a sign but actually you are just learning and processing normal boring information and finding patterns where there aren’t any. What’s the difference? No idea. There’s probably math involved.

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