Horoscopes: May 6

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Invent new words this week. English is pretty good at specific words and feelings, but not good enough. Use them in sentences and hope people figure it out from context clues. A fun intellectual game … or a way to lose friends? You decide.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

I do not know what alternative music is. Sometimes you turn on the radio to an alternative station and they are playing Imagine Dragons. What gives? Is it simply the presence of a funky electric guitar that turns a song alt? Please enlighten me, I’m so confused.
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GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Remember that meme a few years ago when we all talked like cowboys? Like we would put cowboy hats on stuff and say “What in tarnation?” etc. We should bring that back, I feel. I don’t think we squeezed enough -tion puns out of that one. Make a list of -tion words this week.

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CANCER June 21 | July 22

We need to discuss ambrosia salad. Has anyone actually eaten it or do we all just look at pictures of it online and try not to think about how it looks like cole slaw or various bodily fluids that aren’t where they’re supposed to be. If you’ve eaten it and like it, lmk. I want your power.

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LEO July 23 | August 22

I started this semester sure that I’d only use my reusable utensils but now I take a pack of disposable ones every time I’m at the Deece AND I’ve started taking plastic water bottles too. Could you please email Mother Earth and tell her I’m really really sorry and I didn’t mean to.

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VIRGO August 23 | September 22

You know those weeks where at the end of the day you feel like you’ve done all the work possible but then you wake up the next day and there’s MORE? That’s me this week. Tbh these horoscopes were one of those things. Oops. Don’t be like me: Write your horoscopes EARLY.

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LIBRA September 23 | October 22

The weather is doing that thing now where it’s pants temperature in the morning but fully shorts temperature by the afternoon. And then it’s cold at night! I am almost 20 years old and I still haven’t figured out how to dress for those days. Are dresses the answer? Tearaway pants?

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SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

People who drink black coffee honestly scare me. Like, you can stop pretending it tastes good; I promise we will all still think you’re cool. I put milk and sugar in mine, but the milk is from a cow which is kinda rare here. What can I say; I love cows and want to support their work.

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SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Sometimes I say I’m not a party person but then I go to parties … so I definitionally AM a party person. But do my vibes negate this? Is it how other people think of me that’s more important than how I label myself? I feel like these answers have implications.

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CAPRICORN December 22 | January 19

Have you ever woken up from a nap feeling worse? That is a betrayal of Biblical proportions. Though at least when Judas betrayed Jesus it was super homoerotic and fun. Waking up from a bad nap just feels like biting into a mealy apple.

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AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

All the Aquarian stereotypes say that you like aliens, which is cool but I doubt that applies to all of you. Besides, which alien? Is it E.T., or Megamind, or that little guy from the “Star Wars” show that everyone’s obsessed with? (I can’t say his name or D*sney will sue me.)

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PISCES February 19 | March 20

According to astrology, every sign has a part of the body that they correspond to and feel a connection with. And I hate to say it, but yours is the feet. Your body part is the feet and toes. I wish I was lying, but that is 100 percent true. Use this information wisely.

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