Horoscopes: May 13

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Sometimes we all just need to sit criss-cross on the floor, or backwards on a chair, or on a table, or on a counter, or anywhere else we “aren’t supposed to sit.” This week, practice sitting in places like the ones above and record your moods. Three cheers for sitting!! A fantastic pastime.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

I keep hoarding ketchup packets and now there’s a half dozen on my desk, and sometimes I think I should throw them out, but then I need to put ketchup on something. Sometimes, life is like ketchup: You’re like, “Ugh. This again?” But then you get fries and it’s like, “Oh, ok.”

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GEMINI May 21 | June 20

How are there only two full weeks of class left?? That’s fake. Time is totally not real; I don’t understand how anything works. We’re all just along for the ride. Smash Mouth was right; the years simply do not stop coming. This week, cope with that. If that’s even possible.

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CANCER June 21 | July 22

Sometimes I wish I could de-stress by baking a cake. (I know that I COULD, if I wanted to, but I’m not sure how it would turn out in the kitchens that I have access to.) Maybe I could make a mug cake. I love mugs. I think things taste better in a mug: coffee, tea, water, pastries.

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LEO July 23 | August 22

Academic infighting is SO FUNNY TO ME. People getting angry over little things, especially in the humanities where things like “How old was Hamlet, really?” do not super matter that much, is one of my favorite things ever. Let’s start a fight: Hamlet was 19 and I will not take criticism.

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VIRGO August 23 | September 22

This is maybe a bad way to live my life, but sometimes I forget about good things, and then I remember, and get really excited again. Like, for example, the color the trees turn in the summer. Or how it feels to dance to your favorite song. This week, forget stuff. Next week, remember it.

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LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Is it just me or has it been raining a LOT lately? I know that’s probably just what spring here is like, but still, it’s weird. If you know anyone who could maybe do something about the rain, could you let them know that it’s getting kinda annoying? The zipper on my raincoat broke. :(

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SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

If you miss home, make a checklist of things you can’t wait to do and then cross them off as soon as you get there! If you’ll miss it here, do the same thing but check it off before you leave! It’ll be like a game show challenge to get everything done in time. Don’t underestimate adrenaline!

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SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

I still can’t believe that paint swatches are free. I feel like I could decorate an entire house with them!! This week, appreciate little things like that. As soon as we’re out of here, go to your nearest Home Depot and stock up for wherever you live next year. Collaging is IN!

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CAPRICORN December 22 | January 19

Fun with letters this week: Try anagrams! “The United States Bureau of Fisheries” rearranges to “I raise the bass to feed us in the future,” at least according to the Internet Anagram Server. “Capricorn” rearranges to “Narc or Pic.” I for one hope you’re Pic––whatever that means.

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AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

At the end of this semester, print out all the readings you enjoyed and put them in a giant binder for later. Then you can reminisce about all the fun you had being a good student while also patting yourself on the back for reading all those pages. Lots of fun! Maybe less fun for the trees.

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PISCES February 19 | March 20

Whose social media are you stalking? I know it’s someone! Either tell them you like them so much it’s scary or DROP IT. Life’s too short to live in fear of accidentally liking a selfie from four years ago! Buy them chocolate-covered strawberries and make out already! (IF VAXXED.)

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