Dear Dr. G,
I’m in my last few weeks of classes this semester and some of my finals have already started, but I’ve run into a bit of a problem. Whenever it comes time to start working on a paper, I get an overwhelming urge to masturbate first. Help!
-? My ?
Dear [Meat Emoji],
Spring finals are notorious for putting the pressure on students annually, so letting off steam is totally natural. But I’d hate for you to get chaffed orfail your classes. Procrasturbating is a plague on campus this time of year annually, and this spring it’s even worse because of COVID guidelines (which I know all of you are still following… right?). While it can be HARD to avoid the urge, let’s talk about ways you can beat the impulse to beat your meat.
#1: Stay off the computer! I know in the age of Zoom, it is likely that many of your finals are fully virtual or force you to spend hours a day hunched over your laptop. But when you’re on your computer that often, it’s easy to get tempted by that naughty little incognito browser button. Take a break from the PC—it’s not great for your eyes or posture to be on it that often anyways—and you can also break your nasty ‘bating’ habit. Take your favorite notebook, lay back in your bed and review your notes with a good-ol’ fashioned pen and paper. However, if you’re in a class where sex is the name of the game (BIOL-355: Ecology and Evolution of Sexual Reproduction; GERM-101: Sex Before, During, and After the Nazis; PSYC-105: Sex on the Brain, etc.), then I can’t be held responsible if you end up drawing detailed diagrams of genitalia.
#2: Get a study buddy! Nothing stops you from masturbating quite like someone else being in the room who is stressed about failing Sources of World Drama and won’t stop talking about it. Pick a trusted friend and unknowing cock-block to help you keep your hands above the sheets this upcoming study period. Plus, they might even help you end up studying more efficiently! You can make flashcards, quiz each other, brush their hair back behind their ear, place your hand on their thigh, whisper in their ear asking if you can kiss them… okay, wait, never mind, this one is actually not a great idea.
#3: Go to Office Hours! This one is foolproof; there’s no way you can stay wet while your professor is talking about how horrible and difficult their PhD program was. Ask them about course material, their career, what they’re researching—anything to distract you from immediately going home and going to town on yourself. “Oh, hey, professor, can we talk about that reading from last week’s class?” “Hey, can you walk me through this reaction mechanism one more time?” “How did you decide to do a postdoc program?” “Would it be possible for me to do a little extra credit, professor?” “What’s wrong professor, why are you sweating so much? Is it too hot in here? Maybe you should take off your sweater…” Okay actually this is also a terrible idea, don’t do this either.
#4: Find different ways to de-stress! There are so many ways to avoid procrasturbating, like going to a House Team-sponsored event (turn-off), calling your parents (turn-off), working out (turn-off for some, orgasm-inducing for others), or playing with Play-Doh (turn-off unless you’re nasty). For some reason, every single org on this entire campus can only think of one time to host events to distract you from work, and it’s literally next weekend, so take full advantage and go get into some totally mindless nonsense that’s not studying or rubbing one out.
These are my prime tips and I hope they help someone out. If you need an accountability buddy to keep you from masturbating, I will always be there to offer you a helping hand :)