I Would Like to Keep My Mask On, Please.

At this time last year, everyone across the world was forced to get used to wearing a mask… unless you were in America, where every asshole in the country decided that wearing a mask was the biggest inconvenience of their lives. 

However, last week the CDC announced that fully-vaccinated people are now able to go out without wearing a mask. Everyone around me was so excited to hear this news. I, on the other hand, was not as thrilled as my peers. Now you may be thinking, I want to continue to wear one to protect others from potential exposure to a virus.  However, like many decisions I have made as of late, such as taking up the big square booth at the Deece just for myself, this one is out of pure selfishness. 

Of course, I am ecstatic that the pandemic is getting better and restrictions are loosening… but wearing masks has allowed me to develop many habits that would otherwise make me look certifiably insane in public. 

I mean, how will I be able to keep violently lip-syncing to the music I am listening to when I am walking around campus if my mouth is no longer covered? More importantly, what is the point of listening to ABBA if you’re not going to lip-sync to it? I make so many bizarre and unexplainable faces under my mask that I would look possessed if the bottom of my face were visible. 

I will also have to come to terms with the fact that people are going to recognize me again. I’m not naive enough to think that just because I’m wearing a mask people don’t know who I am, but I like to pretend that they don’t. For the past year and a half, I felt like Harry Potter putting on his invisibility cloak, even though it is incredibly obvious who I am, because I wear the same sweatshirt pretty much every day. But again, these are things that I choose to ignore. 

Also, when it’s hot out and my face is sweating and I’m gasping for air, the last thing I want is for someone to think I’m breaking the rules or an anti-vaxxer… or a Republican. 

I also want to acknowledge the sheer number of masks that I have acquired. If you are someone who likes to participate in retail therapy regularly and also makes expensive impulsive decisions, I think it’s safe to assume your bank account isn’t doing too hot right now. I won’t disclose how much I spend on my masks, but let’s just sayI didn’t spend an entire summer’s salary on masks with Frank Zappa’s face on them just to wear it once. That accessory should be able to last a lifetime.  

At the end of the day, I know that I can’t hide behind the mask forever, and it is comforting to see things going back to normal. But for incredibly selfish reasons, I wouldn’t mind keeping the mask on. 

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