Senior hookup leaving you? Here are some tips to cope

Juliette Pope/The Miscellany News.

Dear Dr. G,

I’ve been dating a senior but I am only a sophomore and I’m sad that they’re graduating. Worse yet, since the college is being so strict about COVID this year, I can’t even stay around for Senior Week! What should I do?

-Undergrad Sweetheart


Dear Sweetheart, 

The upcoming weeks are a typically tumultuous time in the lives of many underclassmen, because their one true love for the last few months has to make the ugly and selfish decision of using their degree for gainful employment or higher education or something stupid like that. The stress is even worse this year as this upperclassman is the person you have (probably) been breaking all of the VassarTogether guidelines with (sidebar, can y’all believe the VassarTogether guidelines haven’t changed? Like, you’re not supposed to be able to see anyone but those four losers you podded with in January?). Anyways, here’s a few tips to preserve the sacred love you have with your senior f*ckbuddy. 

This might be a bit of the traditionalist/romantic in me, but the best thing to do is spend as much time together as possible before the end of finals week. I mean, you only have less than a week of classes left, and even those you don’t really need to go to (I don’t care if you’re in Orgo II — just skip, dweeb). Plus, all three days of the reading period are totally open. You could do sweet, romantic things together like wait for them to get back from the bar they went to with their other senior friends, or attend their five minute thesis presentation where you are forced to remember that they actually study something here. If you share an academic department with your boo, you can force them to teach you the content for your upcoming final, or just make them help you cheat. We all know how many take-home finals there are, and how will your professors know if you’re receiving oral sex while you fill yours out? Basically, monopolize their time so it feels better now but hurts so much more in the long run. 

You could also do the more toxic thing and just cut them off literally right now. That way, you can have the messiest possible hoe phase right now on campus while your senior lover is still here to watch the damage. Like, they probably don’t deserve that and it makes our COVID violations go from bad to worse, but why wait to cause drama in your hometown or summer internship with a post-break-up-sleep-around phase when you could do that right now and only return to see the consequences after the summer? Bonus points if you’re going abroad and you can push the repercussions even further away (or better yet, repeat them while on the Vassar Madrid program). Yeah, sure, this is cruel to your cute little senior, but better to rip the Band-Aid off in one go than prolong it while they move on during Senior Week. Plus, remember that time they were talking to their ex at that party? F*ck that, you should have sex with their housemate and get even. 

The last option I’ll propose is certifiabley bad bitch behavior, and by “certifiably bad bitch behavior,” I mean the most awful option of the three. I know that your Vassar education in the scenic Hudson Valley is an excellent one, but maybe you’ve spent long enough referencing the panopticon in your Urban Studies classes and it’s time to settle down. Is your partner going into a high paying field post-grad? Do they have a wealthy family? Moving to a cool and exciting place? You should drop out of Vassar, move in with them, and wife them up. Listen, if it works it works! You didn’t spend this long in higher education to pass up marrying rich when it’s sitting right in front of you. Your career can wait until later; after all, since your lover is older than you, they’ll probably die first and you might even collect some inheritance cash! :)

All is not lost for the weary underclassman, and these next few weeks can be an enriching learning experience, even more so than your Intro to Econ class which was a little bit useless anyways. Make the most of it! And, if you need a shoulder to cry on (or f*ck), I’ll be here until the end of Senior Week (that offer is open to the upperclassmen, too, hehe).

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