Sept. 9 Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | April 19 Well, it’s a new year. Maybe it’s time for a new you. Not metaphorically; I literally think we should all invest in cloning technologies. Remember that scene in “Willy Wonka” where Mike Teavee gets zapped up into tiny pieces and then gets stretched out like taffy? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a scarier scene in a film.

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AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Last night I cut my hand on a bottle opener and tried not to view it as a sign. I was just trying to help someone out! If you end up helping someone out and they hurt you by cutting your hand a little bit, try not to get upset. Things just happen that way sometimes. Acceptance is key, as is a tetanus shot.

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SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

The fact that the Express Egg and Cheeses (trademark, copyright, patent pending) aren’t at the Deece every day anymore is a slight upon my honor, I swear it. Is there a knight in shining armor that can avenge me for this injustice? Not sure how I could reward you; I don’t have a dowry or anything, but I’m sure we can make it work somehow.

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LIBRA September 23 | October 22

A fun fact about me is that I hate fun facts. Why is it that whenever anyone asks me to provide a fun fact about myself to the class or to whomever I immediately forget everything fun about myself? Like, I dunno, I’m boring! I like to go on walks and listen to music. I don’t even have a favorite color. I need to get a lizard or something.

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CAPRICORN December 22 | January 19

Sometimes, your best work is done when you’re in a total daze, running on who knows how few hours of sleep. Some of my best and brightest moments of genius are from the wee hours of the evening. Not saying you should stay up uber late and see what moves you, but I’m not NOT saying that.

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PISCES February 19 | March 20

Have you been seeing premonitions lately? I feel like these past few weeks have had much symbolism and other moments of the sort. Pay attention to everything, even if you think it’s boring. Take up journaling, or blogging or TikToking. Scrutinize every last detail. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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CANCER June 21 | July 22

Any type of heart-rending, neverending and indescribable pain you’re experiencing right now that makes you feel like your body is being pulled apart in all directions—à la being drawn and quartered in medieval times—is COMPLETELY NORMAL (okay, it fully isn’t, but I’m trying to validate your emotions).

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GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Do you ever get sad about how much random knowledge you just don’t know? I learned yesterday that I don’t know a single famous magician. This week should be a week of honing your crossword-completion skills and cramming random facts into your brain for fun! Tell all your friends! Be bold! Be brave!

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SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Everyone’s getting older and it’s NOT FAIR! I don’t recognize half the people I go to school with anymore; I feel like a first-year again. I think we should all get in a big circle on the library lawn and say our names, and then I’ll give you each a prophecy from my crystal ball. I think it’ll be a good time.

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VIRGO August 23 | September 22

“The world is cruel! The world is ending!” MAYBE SO. And if it is? Why not compliment someone you’ve never met, or swallow your pride and admit to your friends that you like them and need them so much it scares you, or pick up that fry you dropped on the Deece floor, IDK. Live a little.

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LEO July 23 | August 22

What are your secret talents? For example, I can touch my nose with my tongue (small face, average tongue—sorry sickos). Some people can make a burrito or clover with their tongue, but not me. Sorry for being so tongue-centric; I don’t know what came over me. Cultivate your tongue this week, I guess.

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