Sept. 16 Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | Currently in a toxic relationship with Deece chocolate milk. Examine the toxic relationships in your life this week, be they with your alarm clock, your sense of purpose or the general concept of being productive. Hoping that you can heal, though I for one am not sure I’ll ever recover from my choccy milk betrayal.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Sometimes you just gotta sit criss-cross applesauce on the floor and do a big thinking sesh about all the things that are going on and how those things are making you feel. I would recommend some sort of chaperone to accompany you on these journeys, preferably one that is inanimate and soft and is a stuffed animal.

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AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

One of my favorite things that happens in casual conversation is when someone accidentally rhymes and then everyone is like “WHOA you rhymed!!” I find it very cute. Try and up your incidental rhyming this week to make people smile. It is a foolproof way to make friends, maybe. Possibly.

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SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

There’s a dead ladybug in my room but I can’t bring myself to get rid of it because I think dead bugs are kind of cool. Is that creepy? Do you still think I’m quirky and fun, or did that scare you away? Think about the performance of having a dead bug in your room, even if no one else will see it. What could it all mean?

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LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Sue me but I want it to be pants weather SO BAD. And not like fake pants weather, where it’s kind of chilly in the morning but then hot by 2 p.m.; I mean PANTS ALL DAY. Examine your pants this week: Give them names, assign them tasks. Talk to them while you do your work; it’s good to have a conversation partner.

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CAPRICORN December 22 | January 19

Can you pull off hats? I feel like I don’t have the face shape for it and that makes me really sad. I wanna wear those newsboy caps like Kelsey in “High School Musical.” I find her to be an underrated fashion icon. This week, try all different types of hats and see what makes you feel the coolest.

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PISCES February 19 | March 20

TikTok told me that Venus is in Libra, but I guess my for you page is out of date because it’s actually in Scorpio. Time to get freakayyyyyy!!! Slash the tires of an enemy this week, then tell me all about it. I wanna know the juicy gossip! I guess that’s impolite of me, but what can I say; I’m a simple woman of simple pleasures.

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CANCER June 21 | July 22

Emoticons are underrated. I say this as an emoji-lover: Sometimes there is nothing so beautiful, so haunting as a :) or a :-(. What conveys more emotion, more raw beauty, than a simple :/ face??? Nothing, I tell you; nothing at all. I wish life was as simple, as poetic as these emoticons. I can only dream.

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GEMINI May 21 | June 20

I mourn the Moodle sites of semesters past. There were whole MOVIES on those!! I covet dubiously-accessed files with the desire of a repressed Victorian maiden. One day I will perfect my comp sci skills and hack into the Moodle mainframe, whenceforth I shall redistribute the wealth of all those .pdfs and .mp4s.

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SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Sometimes I just sit and think about rodents. What must be going through their little brains??? Do they have hopes? Do they have dreams? Do they think about how it’s always, “I’ve just gotta get through this week,” but it’s EVERY week? Would they let me kiss their little noses, if the question was posed?

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VIRGO August 23 | September 22

Thinking about the joy and love which is held in drawings of fried eggs. Like, it is LITERALLY a squiggly circle around a non-squiggly circle but it’s also LITERALLY an egg! There is such a quiet wholesomeness, a reserved tenderness dare I say, in these images. I want a love like a fried egg drawing.

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LEO July 23 | August 22

Writing lists is GOOD but putting unnecessary stuff on your lists to cross off so you feel like you’ve done work can be BAD. Maybe next time I make a list I’ll put “breakfast” three separate times so that if I have three breakfasts it’ll look like I’ve been working hard. We all need a little more breakfast in our lives.

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