ARIES March 21 | The cruelest fact about nature is that bears are possibly the cutest animals on the planet and yet they are also very deadly and scary. I literally don’t get it. I want a bear for a pet! They’re soft and round and roll on their backs and play with each other and it makes me cry. It’s a cruel world we live in.
TAURUS April 20 | May 20I have a confession to make. I don’t really like soup. I don’t HATE soup by any means, and in fact sometimes I enjoy a hearty bowl of the stuff. But I can never finish a full bowl. Rarely do I covet it, one of the Universe’s finest and holiest creations. Soup is, in theory, perfect. In practice? I don’t know. I hope this doesn’t make me a bad person.
AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18
Person-to-person communication is very hard because sometimes you just want to have people read your mind so they can just get it. But that isn’t how it works because we are humans and we have to talk to each other to make things work and that is very tough to remember. Anyway. Say I love you this week, I guess.
SCORPIO October 23 | November 21
Once my Scorpio friend sent a random man who was being rude at the post office a glitter bomb in the mail because they overheard him saying his address. I am not that brave, nor am I condoning such actions, but it really does make you think. If you were a glitter bomb, what glitter would you be? I’d probably be orange.
LIBRA September 23 | October 22
Sometimes the world is too mean and you think, “what if we lived in a magical pudding world where nothing was real and insurance didn’t exist and every ring I bought fit on all of my fingers?” Unfortunately the world is regular and not pudding, but we go on anyway. And hey, maybe magical rings are out there somewhere.
CAPRICORN December 22 | January 19
Bad ideas I have had in just this week: 1) Lie down on the wet muddy grass and immerse yourself in nature like you are Natasha Bedingfield 2) Do not do your readings, just simply vibe 3) Redownload your dating apps. I did none of these, and that is a WIN! Document your wins this week, no matter how small.
PISCES February 19 | March 20
TBH, sometimes these horoscopes are hard to write. I’m worried I’ll say something wrong or it won’t be funny. In the future, all horoscopes will be written via an advanced AI bot who can calculate planetary placements with immense accuracy (at least, I hope so, because I already signed the contract).
CANCER June 21 | July 22
We simply MUST talk about the concept of coziness! I want to feel like I’m warm and soft in my bed every second of every day, but like in my mind and not in real life. Ya know? Like, I want coziness metaphorically. And literally, too––sweaters are very important to me. We have a spiritual connection.
GEMINI May 21 | June 20
Coins are so weird. These metal disks are worth nothing because of the materials they’re made of, but also because of inflation. And people have used them for centuries regardless of geographic location. And they make a very nice clink-clink sound in your pocket. And now the country is out of them apparently? Makes you think.
SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21
To be honest there are a lot of things I do not know about computers. I’ve barely figured out how my phone works. I don’t know how to make it so my laptop doesn’t go WAAA when it turns on. And how do the parts work, anyway? You’re telling me that the little metal squares make it so I can write a Google Doc? I’m not buying it.
VIRGO August 23 | September 22Each sign is ruled by a planet, and Virgo is ruled by Mercury. That leads me to believe that maybe you have magical flying shoes and are liquid at room temperature. Now that I think about it, I’ve never proven that any of my Virgo friends AREN’T liquid at room temperature. I need answers, fast.
LEO July 23 | August 22
Yesterday I stood on my desk to hang up posters and I felt SO powerful. I think we as a society forget how awesome being really tall makes you feel. We should all hang out on roofs more. Meet me on the Blodgett roof and we’ll hang out and have a very fun time, provided we don’t fall off.