Sept. 30 Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | It’s getting to the point in the semester where I’m starting to figure out which assignments I can afford to skip. (If any of my professors are reading this, this is not about your class, beloved<3) I have a spreadsheet where I mark off assignments and it turns green, but sometimes I say I did things when I didn’t. Just so they’re all green.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Yesterday I saw multiple dogs walk by my window and I thought, “Why can’t I be them?” Not in a weird way or anything, I just want to know what it’s like to get so excited about the prospect of going for a walk that you can’t possibly contain yourself. I’ll have to walk ten minutes to class and I’ll be like, “God, not again!”
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GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Thinking about the, like, nature of humanity and how humans are good mostly and we care for each other and want what’s best for each other and it’s like AAAAA. What the FUCK! When strangers hold the door for you and compliment you and ask you questions about your day while in line for Deece eggs. Yeah.

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CANCER June 21 | July 22

Underrated things: Ladders, coconut flakes, New York Times Monday crossword puzzles. Overrated things: Emails, staying up late, exchanging money for goods and services. Things that are rated exactly as they should be: Big boots, seeing your friends laugh, a little animal where you don’t expect it to be.

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LEO July 23 | August 22

What’s the most embarrassing thing about you? No, really. No, like, really. Fine, I’ll go first: I watched and enjoyed the BBC show “Sherlock.” Yeah. I was that kid in eighth grade. Also, I had to think really hard before I spelled the word “eighth” just now, and I’m still not quite sure how to spell it. Now your turn.

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VIRGO August 23 | September 22

I wish there were largely-accepted words for emotions that are very hard to explain. Like sometimes I’ll write “WAAGH” or “OOUGH” in a text and just HOPE that people get it. They’re both supposed to be, like, very phlegm-filled wails, you know? Try them out if you can. Changed my outlook.
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LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Time is so messed up when you think about it. My watch fell 15 seconds behind and it made me FURIOUS but does any of it matter? What’s a second, anyway? Why are they called “seconds”? What was first? Is there a third? Why can’t I just go to class when I want? Why are there no working clocks in the classrooms?

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SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

I wish I could be a cool skater girl, but I am too clumsy and terrified. I also do not understand enough physics to get why the board doesn’t fall out from under you when you do tricks. I hope some cool skater doesn’t see this and teach me how to skate and then we have a romantic moment that would suck haha :)

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SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Express has access to a suspicious amount of egg salad—there I said it. Last year there was absolutely zero egg salad content and now everywhere I look I see tubs upon tubs of it. They’re practically giving it away for free at this point and that has me extremely wary. What are they hiding in the egg salad?

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CAPRICORN December 22 | January 19

I know this is a newspaper and we’re supposed to report the news but sometimes I just want to lie. They’re running a raw milk ring out of Olmsted and I’ve seen it. The womp-womps are planning a coup and requested that I warn the student body personally. Palmer gallery is becoming a pole studio.

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AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

If multiverse theory is true then that means that there is a world where vampires exist. And if there is a world where vampires exist then that means there’s a world where I get to go into a vampire’s fancy castle and sit across from them at their long table and be like :) heyyyyyy. It’d be such a shame if you uh.

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PISCES February 19 | March 20

The “iCarly”-“Victorious” nostalgia wave is okay but I think we should probably remind ourselves that those shows were never actually that good. “Phineas and Ferb,” however, was absolutely legendary. Oh to be a semi-aquatic egg-laying mammal of action, no worries except for single-handedly defeating evil.

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