October 28 Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Washing dishes is so weird. Maybe we should let the dishes wash us for a change. Envision yourself in a sink filled with soapy bubbles, being gently scrubbed by a soft sponge held by a larger, kindly being. The world melts away and all that is left is you, the running water and some crusty food from a while ago.

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Fruit is so crazy. It’s just these little seed pods but you bite into them and they taste like God. A good piece of fruit is literally enough to make me go full bacchanal. It’s no wonder in the ancient times one of people’s main activities was just to eat fruit and get wild. If I didn’t have any responsibilities, I’d do the same.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

The season begins! Are you drinking enough water? I think we should all have a little note on our phones that says “drink water!” every time the little robots inside detect that we’re getting tired or sad or mean. Or if you’re thinking thoughts that you probably shouldn’t be thinking, it’s time for some sips.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Your season comes to an end and the spookies are ushered in. I hope you had a good birthday! How does it feel to be just a little bit older than you used to be? Is it weird? Do you like it? I feel like birthdays are fun for a while and then all of a sudden they really aren’t. Where are you on that scale? Actually, don’t answer that.

CAPRICORN December 22 | January 19

My mom is a Capricorn, and she likes to say that Capricorns are always climbing up that hill every day, just like a goat. I don’t exactly know what she means, but I get it. How’s your hill today? Is it steep? Is it rocky? Or is it just a gentle grassy slope full of greens to graze? I hope it’s the latter. If not, maybe tomorrow it will be. 

PISCES February 19 | March 20

If you don’t like the fact that you have to do a lot of things this week, imagine yourself slashing through all of your tasks with a big sword once you’re done with them. Not only is it extremely satisfying for you, it will also make me think that you are very cool and interesting, and I would like to watch you do more sword tricks.

CANCER June 21 | July 22

Currently very into the idea of deleting all of my streaming accounts and ripping stuff off of YouTube to MP3 like it’s the early ’00s again. Why can’t I own my own music???? You’re telling me that Spotify is holding onto it in a little vault and even when it’s downloaded to my computer I can’t find it? Preposterous.

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Two-faced? Maybe. Flexible? That’s a kinder way of saying it. Show how quirky and different you are this week by painting your face a different color for each activity. Coordinate them with your mood, even! Blue for tired? Green for curious? I’ve got a friend who knows how to do the butterflies and tigers; I’ll pass her number along.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Everyone’s getting older and it’s NOT FAIR! I don’t recognize half the people I go to school with anymore; I feel like a first-year again. I think we should all get in a big circle on the library lawn and say our names, and then I’ll give you each a prophecy from my crystal ball. I think it’ll be a good time.

VIRGO August 23 | September 22

Some of you guys actually still take math classes, for real? I was under the impression that math just kind of stopped after high school. Do numbers still even exist? I’ve forgotten how to count in the years since I left my final calculus class. If three is squared but no one is around to solve it, is it still nine? Makes you think.

LEO July 23 | August 22

Zoning out in class is fun if it’s a class you can afford to zone out in. I can’t recommend it highly enough. I doubt any of us are strangers to a mid-class daydream, but it truly hits the spot in a way nothing else can. Where else can I achieve the bliss of spacing out with the fear that the professor is going to call my name? Unparalleled.

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