December 2nd Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Gonna be honest, I’m running out of small assignments to complete in order to procrastinate on my big assignments. What am I supposed to do now that I just have “final papers to write” and “final exams to study for”? What has this world come to? How is it December? Are we all okay? Like, spiritually?

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

When I get cold (often) my fingernails turn blue, which is a cool party trick. But it would probably not be a problem for me if I just, like, had someone to hold hands with. Ohhhhhh who could possibly help me out with this haha. Like. What if you like. Haha. Never mind I guess. Lol. Just joking :)

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

It’s getting COLD! Time to prepare for the wintry weather. Chilly weather checklist: Coat, hat, scarf, gloves. Heat packs for your pockets, maybe? Double socks or thick socks are a MUST. Also, getting a kitten to hang out next to you and warm you up with their little tiny baby kitten body is a big help. 

CANCER June 21 | July 22

Would you like to travel? I’d love to go to Australia mostly because I’m still not 100% convinced it’s real. My dad went there for work once and was like, “they’re all so nice!” Yeah, sure, Dad. For all I know you were in Cleveland. (No shade to Cleveland.) I still don’t believe you. I need to see it for myself.


LEO July 23 | August 22

Animals are so WEIRDDD how is it possible that we live in this world and giraffes are just hanging out somewhere. There are huge giant beetles and we are all just okay with it???? I think the abundance of weird animals out there is proof that we don’t live in a simulation because who would’ve invented the blobfish?

VIRGO August 23 | September 22

I’ve graduated from the “socks as a gift is boring” phase of my life into the “socks are one of the only things I will ask for at every holiday because I know I can’t lose” phase of my life. They keep my feet warm. Win. They help my shoes not smell. Win. They have funky little designs on them. WIN!

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Big fan of procrastinating while watching YouTube videos but putting the videos at 1.5x speed so I don’t get TOO invested. Even though I barely understand what’s happening it’s still nice to have someone say things in your ear while you do things (write horoscopes, for example). Try it yourself and let me know.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

The only reason I’m getting through the season (ha) is lotion. That’s it. These horoscopes are not sponsored but if they were they would be sponsored by Lubriderm. I need my derm LUBED! And you should, too. We as a society must have soft hands or else what’s the point? See my remark above about holding hands.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Fascinated by the idea of suing somebody or something. I never would at this stage of my life as I’ve never been wronged to such a caliber, but I’m obsessed with the DRAMA of it all! I hired a guy to yell at you, and you hired a guy to yell at me, and we duke it out like Beyblades and it costs A MILLION DOLLARS.

CAPRICORN December 22 | January 19

Blanket capes NEED to make a comeback. Blanket cape plus hot cocoa plus fuzzy socks equals level of comfort and satisfaction not felt by anyone at any point in human history before those three things were invented. If you’re not cozy, what are you doing with your life??? We simply MUST get cozier. Coziest.

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Your permission to go full golden retriever this week begins NOW. Focusing is overrated; if you see a squirrel (metaphorical or literal) you should stop whatever you’re doing to catch it (metaphorical or literal but please don’t kill a squirrel in real life). Who cares about work? Life is short. Do dog activities.

PISCES February 19 | March 20

This week is a week of whimsy. There is so much mischief in which to revel and so little time! Experience the irreverence of an elevator or investigate unorthodox dance moves or perfect some oft-overlooked vocabulary for your pleasure. Pick a day and just go wild. There are no wrong answers.

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