December 9th Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | April 19

You could probably do anything you put your mind to right now. Just like when Matilda is home alone and she makes the playing cards do a little dance. Or when Carrie did the thing at the prom I think. (To be honest I actually haven’t seen “Carrie,” oops!) Channel your weird little girl and investigate psychokinesis.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Early morning walks are very refreshing, especially now that the air has that fun thing where you breathe it in and it feels like your nose is going to maybe fall off a little bit. It’s okay though, because I’ve never met anyone whose nose has fallen off from the cold before. Plus, I’m your friend and I’d never let that happen.

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

A good way to relieve stress, on the off chance you’ve got a half hour to kill, is to sit in an empty practice room and listen to other people practicing around you. I think there’s someone playing Christmas tunes on the violin in the room above me, but truth be told I can’t quite tell. Either way, it’s lovely. I feel fulfilled by this experience. 

CANCER June 21 | July 22

You won’t get what you want if you don’t ask for it! Be bold! Be brave! Admit where you actually want to get dinner from instead of placating your friends because you think saying “I actually don’t want pizza tonight” is going to make them hate you! Live a little! Experience the rush of healthy communication!


LEO July 23 | August 22

Vassar is a campus full of incredible, intriguing, once-in-a-lifetime smells. It really is a sniffer’s paradise, to be honest. Vassar deserves a scent-based scavenger hunt. Weed is an easy one, of course. What about wet rock? Play-doh? Whatever’s going on in the Lathrop kitchen? (Something’s growing in there, I know it.)

VIRGO August 23 | September 22

Switching up study spaces is an easy way for me to regain focus. Try these oft-overlooked gems in which to knock out a 10-page paper: The silly little chairs in Sanders Physics, hanging out next to the dead birds in Olmsted, New Hack (the walk will clear your head, I promise), the floor of a TA that may or may not be your own.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Cold weather makes my joints snap, crackle and pop like I’m an old man. But maybe we should all just embrace the old man side of us. Don we now our newsboy caps and suspenders, and away we go to eat prunes and wake up at ungodly early hours and shake a stick at the young people for not getting off our metaphorical lawns.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

It’s the end of the semester, which means we all have to purge our Arlington Bucks. It’s time for an ultimate feast: every single bag of chocolates Rajesh will let you purchase. Twisted’s entire supply of noodles. A gallon jar of buch on tap from MyMarket. No limits. No task too hard. Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

I don’t think I have met a single Sagittarius in my time on this campus. Where do you all live? In holes underground with the womp-womps? Are admissions just wary of December babies? Regardless, I think it’s time you banded together and formed a coalition so we knew where to find you.

CAPRICORN December 22 | January 19

Seeing the stars at night cleanses your soul! I can’t see any in my hometown because of the light pollution, so here it’s like a treat. Finding constellations is a very wholesome hobby that is relatively quick to learn. My favorites are Andromeda and Lyra. If you’re lost, make up your own! Who will know?

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

This semester especially feels like it’s been so short but also so long but also the hardest semester ever but also just regular hard. It feels like being spun around very fast and then bounced back the other way. If it also feels like this for you, try fun activities like smiling very hard until your brain believes your muscles.

PISCES February 19 | March 20

The urge to burrow into a cave like a bear is so, so strong this week. Hot chocolate can only soothe the soul so much. We should start putting raw eggs in drinks again like they did in the ’50s. That will make you even more sluggish while also giving the added benefit of questioning whether or not you have salmonella.

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