Senator Joe Manchin was rushed to the hospital yesterday in what his spokesperson described in a written statement as a “minor health emergency.” Although the Senator’s statement made no mention of the cause of the incident, sources within Walter Reed National Military Medical Center have provided valuable insight into Manchin’s condition.
Shortly after the Senator expressed his opposition to the expansion of child tax credits, he allegedly experienced severe pain in his chest and left arm. His staffers, recognizing that these symptoms are usually indicative of a heart attack, immediately called for an ambulance. Manchin was then rushed to Walter Reed for treatment. Cardiologists at the hospital confirmed the staffer’s suspicions that the Senator was suffering from a heart attack, and began preparations for coronary bypass surgery.
The operation was immediately beset with complications, as surgeons were unable to locate the Senator’s heart. One of the attending nurses, who has requested to remain anonymous, stated that “they opened up his chest, and there was nothing there but a cold black pit of contempt.” After realizing the serious nature of Manchin’s condition, the surgeons began preparations for a heart transplant—or rather, implant—in order to save the Senator’s life. While surgeons initially could not find a suitable heart, a generous donation from a man who gave his name as Cole Muhnee resulted in a successful procedure after 7 hours of surgery.
Individuals close to the Senator expressed that he is expected to make a full recovery. Indeed, Manchin’s written statement to the press expressed his conviction to “continue obstructing any attempt to make this country a better place.” With Manchin on the mend, Americans everywhere can take pride in the advanced nature of American healthcare that allows even the most heartless of individuals a second chance for life.