January 27th Horoscopes


ARIES March 21 | April 19

I think 2022 is going to be the year of not pretending to like things that you’re supposed to like. I believe that we as a society need to have a very frank conversation about coconut water. Big Coconut has peddled the lie that their juice tastes good for far too long, and it needs to stop. Join me in this fight, if you dare.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Having to “go” to “class” again has really taken a “toll” on me “emotionally.” I think if professors want us to do things, we should be able to do them whenever. Is it so wrong to say, I’m so sorry, but I simply can’t do the reading this weekend. Because the vibes were off, your honor. 

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

We so easily forget, in this academia-tarnished world, that reading for fun is actually pretty cool and interesting and somehow not tainted by the horrors of reading long academic papers that people didn’t like writing and nobody likes trying to understand. Read for fun this week, on the off chance that you have the time.

CANCER June 21 | July 22

My god. Why do we all have the disease where nobody’s schedules can line up for absolutely positively anything? It’s WhenIsGood this, text conversation that, here’s my spreadsheet, here’s yours. When does it end??? At least we’re all committed to stuff. Happy for those of you in the Fireflies or Drama.

LEO July 23 | August 22

Isn’t it so cool to live in the era of humanity with Google Drive? I can’t imagine having to go to the library, Xerox a chapter, highlight it… or worse, buy a whole book! Say thank you to the two gods of college: the “filetype:pdf” Google function and LibGen. [jk the Misc doesn’t condone piracy:) haha]

VIRGO August 23 | September 22

It is my sixth semester at Vassar, and by extension my sixth semester writing these horoscopes. Sometimes you do things over and over and you get better at them, but I have only ever felt like I slowly and steadily get worse. If next week these are all indecipherable, sorry. But you should’ve seen the signs.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Don’t you ever just want to get away? Getting away physically seems a little bit out of reach considering the everything of it all, but getting away mentally is a different story. I have watched too many episodes of my government-assigned comfort sitcom this week, and I highly encourage you to do the same.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Sobbing uncontrollably is OUT. Or so I’ve been told. Channeling the urge to cry and scream and fight into a useful activity is IN. By “useful,” I don’t mean succumbing to the capitalist goblin in your head that talks about being “productive” all the time. I simply mean things like drawing a bug, or petting a cat. 

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

We’ve strayed from our humanity; my psychic powers can feel it. We are all too focused on made-up things like “keto” and “grades” and something apparently called “Instagram.” Sometimes you literally just have to do nothing. Like, absolutely nothing. Empty your mind. Free yourself from society.

CAPRICORN December 22 | January 19

Asking yourself “What’s the worst that could happen?” is not a good way to think about it because there are LOTS of bad things that could happen. But what about “What’s the BEST that could happen?” What if it just ends up so stupidly good? No idea if it will, but it’s probably worth it to try. 

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

I am a music lover but we NEED to ban the dorm pianos after like 8 p.m. I’m trying to read about how America is a police state and you are playing Shrek music. How am I supposed to reconcile this? I am trying to be respectful but I simply cannot focus when there is Shrek music playing. Please help me.

PISCES February 19 | March 20

Trying to turn 2022 into my academic planner year. I WILL use my academic planner and I WILL write all the stuff I need to do in it and then––and this is the important bit––I WILL do the stuff that I wrote down in the planner. It’s a tough sell, but I think I’m capable. Who knows, maybe you are too.


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