Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Right now it feels like it’s too cold to hear yourself think. If you step outside and feel the overwhelming urge to hibernate like a bear, take my advice: Do it. No, literally. Who’s gonna stop you? Sleep the day away safe and cozy in your room and hope that no one wakes you up or emails you.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

The world is scary, so write down a list of all the things you’re scared of. Then rip it up into tiny pieces and throw it in the creek. Maybe it made you stressed out and sad, but maybe the ducks will find it a welcome gift and try to put it back together. I’ve been told that ducks really like lists.

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

I think we’ve been polite for too long. It’s time to start acting on our urges. I want to bite into a bell pepper like it’s an apple. Maybe you want to slide on the ice (safely, of course). Pick one thing that your brain won’t shut up about and just go for it. Life is short, but the joy of biting into a bell pepper like it’s an apple lasts forever. 

CANCER June 21 | July 22

Sometimes I feel like I only have 20 minutes to do everything I need to do. Like right now, I have to write these but I have an imminent date with a Skinner practice room that I can’t miss. But then I remember that nothing is permanent and time is fake. 20 minutes could easily be an hour—who cares?

LEO July 23 | August 22

Puzzles are good for the brain. Over break, I became absolutely unable to stop doing NYT crosswords, but just the Mondays because they make me feel smart. This week, do puzzles that make you feel smart, like easy geography quizzes on Sporcle or gingerly telling your friend to drop her Tinder hookup.

VIRGO August 23 | September 22

The weather is wreaking havoc on my skin and body, and I feel like it’s doing it on purpose. Everything hurts––my elbows, my cuticles, my back… This week, don’t let dry skin stop you. Live life to the fullest even though your hands feel like sandpaper. Who cares; put on more hand sanitizer. Enjoy it.

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

We should probably all get tested every week, for the general health and safety for the student body, sure, but mostly just because it’s great to feel like a scientist every once in a while. Wow. Look at how I swab my nose. I place the specimen in the serum. I twist (THREE TIMES!). I am a woman in STEM.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

It’s always good to shake things up. Last night I made my bed and my comforter is reversible so guess what? I REVERSED IT! I’ve never had it this way ever in my life, so it’s a fun change. Find little things to do differently this week, though I can’t guarantee they’ll all be as exciting as my comforter change.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Conspiracies are cool until they lead into dangerous, upsetting, human-rights-violating territory. But what harm could a silly little conspiracy do? What if birds really AREN’T real? Shouldn’t it be our duty, as liberal arts students amidst this arboretum, to find out once and for all? Send all data to me by email. 

CAPRICORN December 22 | January 19

CDs really were a short-lived innovation, huh? Truly reminds you about the fragility of life. One day we’re the next big thing, the next, Apple and Spotify and Justin Timberlake from “The Social Network” have ruined it all. Treasure today like you treasured CDs fifteen years ago. JT could be right around the corner.

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Taking care of yourself can be EXHAUSTING. You’re telling me I have to do my regular life AND be nice to myself? Unbelievable. But we all have to do it, even when we’re tired or sad. Awful, I know, but what can I say; I’m a certified horoscope-writer which means I’m probably always right.

PISCES February 19 | March 20

Did you know that rubber bands can expire? Neither did I, until I encountered it for the first time. They get dry and gross like spaghetti. And that’s what could happen to YOU if you don’t work out your brain! This horoscope has been brought to you by Skillshare. Use the code “Horoscope” to get—

 

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