Horoscopes

ARIES March 21 | April 19

If you feel angrier than usual this week, use my favorite simple trick: always be tired. If you are about to fall asleep at all times, there is no way that your body will bother expending energy on wishing you could kick someone in the shins. Get all cozy in bed, and have angry dreams instead. Food for thought. 

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Wordle is cool and all, but I want to feel like an old man and play old man games. We should start playing stuff like Gin Rummy at parties or Blackjack. It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re good; it’s just the spirit that counts. We meet on Monday evenings in whatever room looks like it smells like smoke and scotch the most. See you then. 

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

A fun fact about me is that I have the loudest laugh of anyone I know. And that’s okay because being different is okay. I accept and love myself. The lesson here is that if you’re insecure about something, don’t be. But if that’s hard, just tell yourself that at least you don’t have the loudest laugh of anyone you know. 

CANCER June 21 | July 22

Sometimes we feel judged for doing things that are mainstream, and that’s silly. Maybe I do like watching shows that are popular, probably because they’re popular for a reason. This week, we should go on Netflix’s most-watched list and pick something from there. And if it’s bad, then you’ve still learned something about yourself.  

LEO July 23 | August 22

Everything in our life is a construction!! Buildings are fake. Money is fake. We made fake sun by smashing metals together, and now we’re cursed with the Res. Life hospital lights. But we can find peace amidst this terror because now we know about it. If this is the Matrix, it’s not too bad because there are dogs.

VIRGO August 23 | September 22

If you feel like you’re flailing around in a pool except the pool is filled with your feelings instead of water, don’t worry. It happens to the best of us, and by the best of us I mean me. First option is to sink, but that’s no fun. Try calling for a lifeguard, though I’m not sure if there is one in this hypothetical metaphor. Good luck. 

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

Sometimes life knocks us down. Sometimes we tell a joke and it doesn’t land. Sometimes hubris gets the better of us and we think the ice couldn’t possibly be that dangerous. But when you get knocked down, literally or figuratively, just figure out what you did wrong and do it differently next time. Or, idk, get better jokes.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Beginning to live by the mantra “It’s not that deep,” because it rarely is. Usually people don’t hate you, they’re just busy thinking about work or sex or the fact that we all really do live in a society. It’s probably a good idea to ask someone who you think is mad at you, “Hey, are you thinking about work or sex right now?” Normal and not awkward at all.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Technology can be wrong and often is. For example, my phone thinks that I’m always writing in French, except for why would I ever want to write in French? Life is too short to write in French. This week, purge your brain of unhelpful facts like verb conjugation or the existence of what is unarguably the most confusing language in the world. 

CAPRICORN December 22 | January 19

What’s in a name? A lot, usually. The bagpipes are called bagpipes because it’s a bag with pipes. I’m called Madi because I’m suave and cool like Mary Magdalene. Investigate name histories this week, and experience words anew. It’ll be an exciting bit of research to distract from the research you should actually be doing. 

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

We should all get off the internet. I just saw a TikTok of a guy spray-painting a flower on a girl’s stomach and knew I was done for the day. Alternatives to seeing that awful video include: Literally anything. Take a walk. Make a grass whistle. Lie on the floor and moan and groan in agony over the state of the world. Anything. 

PISCES February 19 | March 20

There is no formula to these horoscopes; I write whatever and throw it into the wind, and I’m always right because I’m full of magic. That said, this week you should really try and stay away from any strong herbs—think fennel or dill. They give me bad vibes; I dunno. But you really should trust me. I just know it won’t end well otherwise. 

 

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