Well, it’s February, and you know what that means: it’s just two more months until “Sonic the Hedgehog 2” comes out in theaters! And, uh, it’s also nearing Valentine’s Day. Love is in the air! You see them everywhere these days: happy couples, hand in hand, walking happily towards the Deece for a romantic meal of hot dogs and Gatorade. If that’s you, congratulations; if not, well, maybe I can help.
And maybe the Earth will crash directly into the Sun next week. I would hardly call myself a dating expert, after all. My dating experience consists of inviting villagers into my home in Animal Crossing, and none of them were even good-looking except for Kyle. But when I’m not busy seducing cartoon wolves, I’ve been acquiring what might be academically referred to as a “strong theoretical basis” in the field of romantic relationships—in other words, I read a lot of young adult fiction (YA) back in the day. It is from this font of knowledge that I will pull my pearls of wisdom. Without further ado, here are some Frequently Asked Romance Questions, or FARQs:
How should I choose a love interest? Your chosen boy (and it should always be a boy, usually the one adorning the book cover) should be brooding, handsome, and broodingly handsome. He should be absurdly young, say fifteen––an age at which most boys make Greg Heffley look like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson—and yet still be muscular, but not intimidatingly muscular. Most importantly, he should treat you like hot garbage. Nice guys are forgettable, but a real jerk is sure to reform once you’re battling the dystopian government together. You’ll fix him, honey!
What if we fight? Fighting is a healthy part of any relationship, as can be seen on “Dr. Phil.” Frankly, I wouldn’t worry about this too much—the strain of your shared struggle is just getting to your partner, and possibly also the enormous amount of sexual tension he must navigate at all times. It’s hard on a boy!
What if he dramatically betrays me? This is what the kids call a “red flag.” Other signs that your beautiful boy might not be The One include: being caught with another girl who is hotter than you but also extremely catty; having a temper tantrum and going off to brood by himself, returning only when he realizes he has no idea what to do with his life when he isn’t directly relevant to the plot; and turning out to be gay, unless you are also gay, as well as a man. Still, don’t give up right away! Your emotionally traumatizing inability to move on is very entertaining for readers.
Once you’ve found your man, congratulations! Have fun watching, aroused, while he writhes shirtlessly in the locker room or something. You can even take him on a date for Valentine’s Day, if you really want to, but your combined brooding energy should set the mood whether the two of you go out or not. As for me, well, do you really need to ask? I’ll be sitting here, in my dorm room, writing Misc columns…but romantically. Happy V-Day!