(W)Hor(e)oscopes: February 17

ARIES March 21 | April 19

Getting ready for Valentine’s Day is always a lively activity, regardless of whether or not you believe it’s a corporate shill. Sometimes you just need to emotionally prepare to see couples pic after couples pic on Instagram. And I’m here to tell you: There’s nothing you can do. Drink some hot cocoa or something and take deep breaths.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

Sometimes you wish you were in love (if you aren’t already), and then sometimes you need someone to tell you that being in love can suck kind of. I’m already barely in a position to care about myself and my own well-being, and now I have to double it? The energy it expends is exhausting. But we do what we must.

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Did you get flowers this week? If you did, it means someone is thinking about you. If you didn’t, that’s okay; you can always buy them for yourself. If you saw them in nature, a) where are you where it’s warm enough for flowers to be growing b) is it nice and warm there c) can I come? I’m very nice and have a lot to offer.

CANCER June 21 | July 22

This holiday can be about relationships and love, but it can also be about what’s really important: pink heart-shaped items. I will not hesitate to admit that as a Cancer myself, I go absolutely wild for pink heart-shaped items. If it is pink and heart-shaped I want it. I covet it. If it makes me happy, it can make you happy, too.

LEO July 23 | August 22

Love can be so evil because it means someone can get into your chest and cut your heart up like they are Hannibal Lecter. Not even just romantic love; I have friends where I’m like, do you want my extremities as a little gift? I don’t know. Maybe I’m a very violent person at my core. Do some thinking on violence this week.

VIRGO August 23 | September 22

Overthinking can get in the way of emotions, obviously. But what can also get in the way of emotions is homework. This is a week where we are supposed to feel our feelings, so it is my expert opinion that all schoolwork should be thrown out the window, literally or figuratively. There is no use! 

LIBRA September 23 | October 22

This is a week where you can say “I am WOMANNN I am FEARLESS I am SEXYY I’m DIVINEE” (“woman” used here as more of an abstract idea than a literal gender, of course). But you can also say, “I am:) okay with myself as I am right now. And I am willing to give myself the love I give others.” Both can be true.

SCORPIO October 23 | November 21

Scorps are a sign oft-stereotyped as somewhat dismissive of love in favor of the more finer pleasures, if you know what I mean. But I don’t think that’s true. I think you should prove everyone wrong this Valentine’s Day season by becoming a Shaker with your beloved. That’ll show ‘em. 

SAGITTARIUS November 22 | December 21

Love poem ideas: “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Because I am so sweaty right now.” “A day without you is not very fun because I start picking apart everything I said to you yesterday and wondering if you even like me.” There are those more eloquent than I, but I think these may suffice.

CAPRICORN December 22 | January 19

I miss the days when we would pass around little cardboard Valentine’s cards with Snoopy stickers and Jolly Rancher lollipops. It made the holiday feel like Halloween: 2. But I suppose those days are past. If you have an abundance of “Spider-Man” holographic valentines, though, you know where to find me.

AQUARIUS January 20 | February 18

Usually people like to be in love with people who are similar to them. But maybe you’re different and not like other signs. Maybe you like to prove that opposites really do attract! Think outside the box, though. If you like cats, don’t find someone who likes dogs––find someone who likes lizards. They’re the one for you.

PISCES February 19 | March 20

Imagining romantic scenarios in your head is only one way to spend the love-iest day of the year. Other ways could be: Going rollerblading. Making mac ’n’ cheese. Writing embarrassing-yet-vague emails to all of your professors saying it’s “been a week” and you “might need to take some time.”


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